Diary: Perfect Day 8-11-14

Today was a perfect day. 

Until, you know, it wasn’t.
Pikachu and I went for a drive, and then found this recreational center. We stopped there and hung out at this little park. We started talking, and I was sitting on a bench next to him. He kept looking off into the distance, as though he was pondering something. I began asking him what was on his mind. His response was, “I don’t have anything to say.”

While I was in the middle of once again asking him what he was thinking about, he just grabbed me and started kissing me.  It was wonderful, and the fact that it was pretty unexpected made it even better. After that, Pikachu and I went back to his car. He grabbed my hand on our way there, which I found adorable.

After that, we drove to his house. There,  we sat and talked. We also had a good thirty minute long make out session.Then we just chilled around his house and played with his e-cigs. Finally, he had to take me home. When we got to the door, he kissed me and gave me a big hug. We walked into the house and he said hello to my father. 

My dad asked him a bunch of different questions, and that was awkward. But Pikachu handled it well, and then went on his way.

Now looking back on it, there were a lot of key movements that Pikachu made which I misinterpreted. Had I actually paid more attention (which I generally feel pretty at peace around him and like I don’t need to analyze everything about him…) then I would have realized what was going to come next. But, at the time, I took his pulling me closer when we kissed as a sign of passion. It wasn’t. It was a sign of frustration,  which caused him to become more aggressive due to the fact that he wanted to feel something. Then he gave me a really tight hug before he departed. I interpreted that as him not wanting to go, but I think it was actually just him longing for some sort of emotion to surface.

Later that night, we were texting and I could tell that something was wrong. He refused to talk to me about it and said that he was going to bed. About an hour later, he texted me again and told me that he had drank half a bottle of whiskey.  Then he began explaining to me how he wanted to understand why he felt the way he did. He was being incredibly cryptic, which gave me bad vibes. After asking him a few questions, I came to the realization that he was saying he didn’t feel for me.

That frustrated him, so he drank trying to figure out why he couldn’t.  As I’ve said in last posts,  Pikachu is a sociopath. But he wants so desperately to feel something for me, because he enjoys being around me. He also told me that he doesn’t really feel the need to think too much the way he does with other people when we’re together.

Anyway, he told me all about his frustration for not feeling for me and how it made him even more bothered that he was incapable of being upset about not feeling for me. I asked him how he wanted to go forward, and his response really shocked me. The past four people I have been into have just “stopped liking me” or were incapable of feeling for me in the first place. Regardless, Pikachu said that he wanted to keep trying to see if maybe he could eventually feel.

Then we had this whole conversation about how he has addiction issues and why would I want to stick around. I replied that I cared for him and that I wasn’t the kind of person to leave people. Somehow that led into a discussion about how he actually felt for his ex-girlfriend and when she left he killed himself. The doctors managed to revive him, though, and now he’s with us today…

After hearing that story, I could do nothing but apologize for his ex’s mistakes and tell him that I wasn’t going to leave. That I was going to be there for him as long as he would allow me to be, and in whatever way he wanted me to be. I told him that not feeling wasn’t an issue, and that the fact that he wanted to stick around meant more than he knew.

I cried about the whole thing like a little bitch.  Then I came to terms with it, and realized that he needs me just as much as I need him. I feel like in one way or another, we are supposed to be in each other’s lives. We met for a reason. That’s always been the vibe that he’s given me. That and the fact that he serves a great purpose in my world. So I’m accepting and embracing that he can’t feel. I’m taking it for what it is, because I know for a fact everything is going to work out.
~CC.