Diary: Candles 8-21-14

I wish I had lost my virginity to him. He made sex special, unlike the rest of them. He made it something that was beautiful, passionate, loving, caring, and absolutely amazing. He had it all planned out, which was definitely a first. 

Other sex that I’ve had has been spontaneous, or briefly planned on a whim of thought just so that the other person could get laid. This wasn’t like that. This wasn’t close to that in any way whatsoever.

Yesterday, despite our bump that I referred to in the last post, Pikachu came and picked me up from my house. His parents weren’t home, so we went over there. At first, we just hung around and talked and cuddled. I honestly thought that during that conversation,  we would figure out what to do involving the mother situation.

But we didn’t. We ended up sucking face, and then I got on top of him… I could feel his boner against my vagina. That’s something that I just can’t handle. Things started getting heated, and then my phone went off twice. It was incredibly annoying, and so at that point I was just super sexually frustrated. I checked it, and then basically jumped on top of Pikachu.

As I laid on top of him and kissed him, he wrapped his arms around me so that I was as close to him as I could possibly be. It was seriously so wonderful,  and made me feel as though he never wanted me to leave. I kissed down his neck, and started unbuttoning his pants. He grabbed my hands as quickly as humanly possible, kissed my lips, pulled away, and said, “Wait. Wait right there.” Then he ran upstairs.

I sat there, and I knew. I knew exactly what he was going to do. He was going to go light the candles that he’d talked about. The candles that would signify his promise to stick around. The candles that meant he cared about a girl more than he’d cared about anyone in a long goddamn time. The candles he had told you about the first week you started talking. The candles he wanted to lose his emotional fucking virginity next to.

THE fucking candles.

My heart began to race. I was feeling so many things at once that I’m not even sure what the emotion could be called. I was nervous, which was weird because sex has never made me really nervous… I was always nervous before I’d ever had sex, but once I was there in the moment all nerves were gone. So it was weird that I felt nervous. I also felt excited. Not only because I was about to have sex, but because of what the sex was going to mean. Because of what the future was going to bring. I was also feeling pressured to make it as perfect as he was trying to. I was so scared that he wasn’t going to think I was attractive, or maybe that he wouldn’t enjoy the sex.

He came back downstairs, smiled, looked into my eyes, grabbed my hand, and whispered, “Come on.” I followed him up the stairs, and was greeted with a room filled with candles. There were at least twenty on a table in the center of the room, and then 3 or 4 more on a nightstand next to a bed in the corner. Pikachu lead me over to the bed.

We stood beside it for a moment, and I kissed him long and hard. That turned into hard core, let’s touch each other all over, making out. I reached down to unbutton his pants, while I continued kissing him. Then, I slowly pushed him down on the bed, and climbed into his lap. I kissed all down his neck, and licked against his collar bone underneath his shirt. Then I pulled the shirt off of him and kissed my way down his stomach, back up, and then down again. I pulled his pants off of him, and wiggled my tongue under the seam of his underwear and against his hips.

Then, I basically tore off his underwear and started sucking his dick. Somehow,  while drunk, I mastered the art of deepthroating, so that came in handy. I also learned that the licking of balls can be pretty nice, too. So I used that technique and all was well with the world. At some point,  Pikachu pulled me back up to kiss him, and took of my shirt and bra.

He was so nervous that he couldn’t get my bra undone and it was adorable. He kept making jokes about how he doesn’t get laid often, and is obviously sexually inexperienced. But then he started sucking on my chest,  and my god, does that boy knows how to suck titties. That and neck kissing are two of his greatest talents.  I swear,  I came a little when he put my boobs in his mouth.

Then, my shorts ended up coming off, and we were fully unclothed. Pikachu began eating me out. It was seriously the greatest thing. I just wanted him to never stop. He’s so fucking talented with that tongueeee. Around that time, it was pretty obvious sex was imminent, so then Pikachu mentioned the fact that we needed some sort of protection. I agreed, and he said that he had some in his car. He walked out of the room completely naked, and I saw that he has a perfect, firm, pale ass. That brought me joy.

Then he came back and handed me this thing. Now this thing that I’m about to talk about is my new favorite thing. It was in a little package,  and it was a clear tab. I just looked at Pikachu like, “What the fuck is this shit?” To which he responded that it was spermicide, and that I stick it in my coochie, it dissolves-“like a Listerine tab for your vagina”- and kills spermies before they can bind with the eggs. Coolest shit ever, right? I thought so. I stuck that shit right up my vagina, sucked Pikachu’s dick so he’d be hard again. Then I made out with him for a while, and he started fucking me.

I was on bottom and he was on top, which was the greatest thing ever. I was moaning so loudly, it was ridiculous.  After a bit of that, Pikachu pulled out and asked me what position I wanted to do, and what was my favorite. I told him that him being on top was my favorite. But then, I lept into his lap and started kissing him. Then I rode him, nibbled on his ear, and kissed down his neck. All while trying to conceal my moans. His dick was so good. Oh my gosh. And he had just the right pace for everything, so it felt sooo amazing.

After that, we did doggy style, which was the bomb. Pikachu came sooo much. He started explaining how he must have never had good sex before me because it always took him hours to cum. Apparently he’d tried to keep from doing so, but he just couldn’t anymore. And that was in under 30 minutes. I felt accomplished,  for sure.

After our fantastic sex, Pikachu and I cuddled naked. Then we went and put our clothes back on and made snacks. Pikachu started getting tired, and we went in his room and talked for a while. He laid down in my lap and I pet his hair while he drifted off. At that moment, I realized that I want him. I really want him for a long ass time. I’m going to do whatever is in my power to keep him, because he is quite the catch. He’s funny, entertaining, attractive,  respectful, sexy, caring, and so many other wonderful things. The more and more I get to know him, the more I realize I’m going to fall in love with him.

Maybe I already have.
~CC.

Diary: Partayyy 8-17-14

Friday night,  my mom threw a party for her best friend’s birthday. She told me I was allowed to invite friends and we could drink as long as they stayed the night. My cousin, her brother, Beyoncé,  and my other friend, let’s call her Dipper because she used to dip all the time, came. I also invited Pikachu, and he agreed to come hang out.

The party started around 8, and Dipper and I began doing jello shots at least an hour earlier. Beyonce was one of the first to get there,  and later came Cousin. All was cool, we all drank and chilled and talked in my room. We mostly stayed away from my mother and her friends. Everything was going well, except for the fact that by 10, Pikachu still wasn’t there.

I called him and texted him a couple times, and received no response. It kind of pissed me off, but instead of getting angry or upset, I just threw back a few more drinks and tried to keep my shit together. There was no way I was about to be the girl who cried at a party or ruined the fun for others.  Fuck that.

Finally, around eleven, he called me and gave me a legitimate excuse for why he hadn’t come over yet. He apologized, and everything was totally cool. Then, he came over and hung out with all of my friends and I. Now before the party, Pikachu had told me that any form of PDA was not going to happen. But if we could find time alone, then make out sessions were a must.

Now, I made absolutely sure to find time alone. He walked out into the hallway to go get something, and I decided to follow him. Somehow we ended up making out in the bathroom. At first, the door was open, but when things started getting more heated Pikachu pulled it closed.  I began kissing him harder and pressing my hips into him. I was practically throwing him into my sink. He was obviously fearful that I was doing all of these things due to my drunkness, but that definitely wasn’t the case. He was so respectful and absolutely refused to touch me inappropriately or press me up against the wall. I could tell he was holding back because he was so tense, and I could feel his raging boner through his shorts.

I started kissing down his neck, and so he locked the bathroom door. Eventually, I ended up basically throwing him into my shower. He was up against the wall, and I told him that I wanted to blow him. He let me know that he generally didn’t do sexual things unless he was in a relationship. As I pulled down his pants, I asked if that meant that we were together. His response was a yes without any hesitation. Then his dick came out. Now, I had seen the outline of his penis when we were making out one time…

But I was not prepared for what I saw when I pulled down his pants. His dick was beautiful, like the King Cock. I had to shove it in my mouth in order to wipe the shocked look off of my face. Pikachu isn’t a very big guy. I mean,  I wasn’t expecting him to have a small weiner, but I wasn’t expecting him to have the package that he had. Jesus. I don’t even know how I’ve gotten so lucky dick wise. I’m 3 for 3 on large penises and I really hope that my record says that solid for the rest of life. Big dicks are truly one of my favorite things about the world.

Anyway,  I gave him the best blow job that I think I have ever given in my whole entire life. He was legitimately panting and trying to keep his shit together the whole entire time. It was fantastic, until my mom knocked on the bathroom door. I was too drunk to know what the fuck to do. Thank God, Pikachu is a genius. He told me to go out and tell her that I was sick and that he would hide in the shower.

She came into the bathroom to talk to me, and I was flipping the hell out on the inside. Once she was inside, she began asking me where Pikachu was and saying that if he had just left that was unacceptable. I reassured her that he had to be there somewhere,  and that I would find him. Then I walked out behind her, and turned off the light. Pikachu, that sneaky motherfucker, managed to run all the way over into the most random, darkest corner in my house and pretended he had been there the whole entire time.

Seriously, that was something I would have never thought to do in my drunken state. Thank God we got away with it. After that, we went back  and hung out with Cousin, Dipper, Beyoncé and Middle School some more. From there, Pikachu and I ended up on the couch, and everyone else passed out on my bed.

We just cuddled, talked, and made out for a really long time. I told him that I wanted to say something crazy, but I didn’t know if I should. I’m pretty sure he thought that I wanted to say I loved him, which wasn’t what crossed my mind at all… But he told me that he would say it too, but that it needed to be the perfect time and place. Where we were wasn’t it. That caught me incredibly offguard. And so I just went on this tipsy rant about how I was really into him and I just wanted him to feel the same for me. He told me that he was beginning to, and for me to not worry about it. It was really sweet.

And then Middle School puked in my room. He straight up, sat up and threw up all behind my bed. I legitimately could have killed him. Beyoncé,  Dipper, and Cousin all rushed out of my room, freaking out about how he’d blown chunks. This attracted the attention of my mother and his aunt. My mom then decided to flip shit on me for “allowing him to drink” when Dipper and Cousin were the ones feeding him booze. On top of that, she started to get pissed off for being all cuddly with Pikachu.  But I knew that was only because she was drunk, so I wasn’t too concerned.

My aunt tried to get Middle School to drink lots of water, but then he ended up vomiting even more in the middle of my living room. Then he passed out on the floor.  All the others went back to my room even though it reaked of throw up. Once everyone was in their places, my mom told me I needed to go sleep in her room. Hahahah. That wasn’t about to happen with Pikachu crashing on my couch. I was staying as close to him as humanly possible.

Luckily, she got distracted by this asshole drug addict who had come to the party. He’d pulled me outside earlier in the night and talked to me about fucking around with Pikachu and how I should be protected. I didn’t confirm that I was going to do anything at all. But then he decided to start disrespecting me and telling my mother I was going to fuck Pikachu, and that all of the people who were under 21 were going to have an orgy.

Then he came upstairs, pulled his dick out to show us his cock ring, and then gave out a bunch of condoms for our nonexistent orgy. After that, because he was drunk and fucked up on xanax and who knows what else, he fell downstairs. But not only did he fall downstairs,  he fell into my mom’s really expensive antique. My mother was pissed to say the least. While she was distracted, I laid on the couch across the room from Pikachu and pretended to pass out. Pikachu kept coming over to me and asking me if I could hear the fact that they were fighting over whether or not we were going to fuck. It was actually quite humorous at the time. My mom defended me and told Druggie that it wasn’t his responsibility to “protect” me. After that, she threw him out.

Pikachu and I just waited for all the commotion to die down and for my mom to go to bed. She was drunk off her ass, so we both knew she would pass out and be dead to the world. As soon as she went to bed, I climbed onto the couch with Pikachu. We cuddled and I kissed him, despite the fact that Middle School was passed out right. across the room. We both knew he wasn’t about to wake up. Pikachu was touching me all over, and he told me that he was going to need that amazing mouth of mine again. I went down on him and tried to suck his soul out through his cock, but he wouldn’t fucking cum.

Now I know for a fact that I have mentioned my obsession with making guys cum in past posts. It’s a must if I’m going to do anything sexual with someone, I have to make them cum or I have failed. After blowing him for a while, I finally asked what I could do to make him cum. But before he even said it I already knew what it was… His initial response was, “I don’t know if I should tell you. It’s really weird.”
So I said, with the confidence of those who have been ass fucked without crying, “You’re into anal.”

His face. His mother fucking face was priceless. I swear. He didn’t even know what to do with himself. I kissed him and told him that we could arrange that, to which he said that he no longer had lube in his car. I reassured him that it was all good and I had some in my room.  He looked happier than a child on Christmas. I whispered, “Yes, I am the girl of your dreams,” and then went to retrieve the lube.

I brought it to him, and then went and scoped out the downstairs. Nobody was there, so we made the decision to do anal down on the couch. Now, I tried anal sex with my ex boyfriend and it was by far the worst sexual experience I have ever had. I clenched up before he could even get the tip of his dick in my ass and curled up into a sobbing ball.

Where my confidence that Pikachu was going to be different came from, I have no idea. But it was there, and I wanted him to take my ass more than I’ve wanted a lot of things. He pulled his dick out of his pants, and lubed up. I took off all of my clothes, and as I did, Pikachu commented,  “My you are marvelous to look at.” I gave him a long kiss on the lips and then bent over on the couch in front of him.

He went in slowly, and it did hurt a little bit,  but it was definitely more than tolerable. He got deeper and deeper. It was an experience unlike any other to say the least. I can’t say that I disliked it at all, actually. It wasn’t what I would call pleasurable, but it was an interesting sensation to feel so full with someone else. It made me feel close to him in so many ways, which turned me on more than imaginable.

He only thrusted 3 or 4 times before he came. I think the whole thing lasted maybe 2 minutes. He came so goddamn fast and so much. It spilled out all over my ass and dripped down my legs and onto the couch. I felt incredibly accomplished because he’d told me the only thing that had ever made him cum was his own hand.

My ass bled for a while after that, which concerned me at first, but after some googling I realized it was totally normal. I threw my clothing back on, and Pikachu and I headed back upstairs. We cuddled for a while and I kissed him a few times. He passed out on me, and I wanted so badly to sleep there with him I knew if my mom woke up and saw us together that she would be pissed, though. So I gently moved him aside and went to my couch away from him. By then it was nearly 7 in the morning. 

I slept for a few hours,  and by 9 Beyoncé, Cousin, and Dipper had all decided to evacuate my room. The putrid smell of vomit must have gotten overwhelming when they were no longer drunk. Middle School, and Cousin left with my aunt because Cousin had to work. Beyoncé crashed in a chair. I  got up for a second to pee, and Dipper took my couch. So I just ended up laying with Pikachu. My feet were toward his head and his feet were toward mine. He kept cuddling with them and kissing them. Then he’d run his finger tips up and down my legs. It was seriously one of the happiest moments of my life. I grabbed his legs and cuddled with them, and we played this game where we would tap each other’s feet until we finally fell back asleep.

When one o’clock came around, everyone woke up again. Beyoncé and Dipper decided to go home, and  I went to my room to address the vomit. It was disgusting. I swear, if I see Middle School ever again, I will murder him in an instant. There was puke all behind my bed and all over the walls… And the smell, fucking shit, it was horrible. While I tried to clean that off the floors and off the walls, Pikachu folded blankets and discarded all the empties people had left all over the place. Then we scraped puke off the living room wall together.

By myself, that would have been a miserable task, but because he was there it was at least tolerable. I loved the fact that he stayed and helped. I’ve always been the kind of person who does things like that for people. I’ve always been the one who helped rather than being helped. It was so foreign to me, but so fantastic all at the same time. He makes me really happy, and he’s everything I’ve wanted and needed for a long time.

We had this really long, wonderful kiss before he left. And then he said to me, “I’ll see you soon.” Which made me come to the realization that he says that every time he goes. It really touched me and made me realize that this is it. He’s the one, because, “I’ll see you soon.” Is the last thing that I said to my aunt before she died of ovarian cancer. And I feel like him saying that is just her telling me that I should go for this, and it’s going to be okay. Maybe I’m insane,  but I get really good vibes from everything about him.
~CC.

Diary: Perfect Day 8-11-14

Today was a perfect day. 

Until, you know, it wasn’t.
Pikachu and I went for a drive, and then found this recreational center. We stopped there and hung out at this little park. We started talking, and I was sitting on a bench next to him. He kept looking off into the distance, as though he was pondering something. I began asking him what was on his mind. His response was, “I don’t have anything to say.”

While I was in the middle of once again asking him what he was thinking about, he just grabbed me and started kissing me.  It was wonderful, and the fact that it was pretty unexpected made it even better. After that, Pikachu and I went back to his car. He grabbed my hand on our way there, which I found adorable.

After that, we drove to his house. There,  we sat and talked. We also had a good thirty minute long make out session.Then we just chilled around his house and played with his e-cigs. Finally, he had to take me home. When we got to the door, he kissed me and gave me a big hug. We walked into the house and he said hello to my father. 

My dad asked him a bunch of different questions, and that was awkward. But Pikachu handled it well, and then went on his way.

Now looking back on it, there were a lot of key movements that Pikachu made which I misinterpreted. Had I actually paid more attention (which I generally feel pretty at peace around him and like I don’t need to analyze everything about him…) then I would have realized what was going to come next. But, at the time, I took his pulling me closer when we kissed as a sign of passion. It wasn’t. It was a sign of frustration,  which caused him to become more aggressive due to the fact that he wanted to feel something. Then he gave me a really tight hug before he departed. I interpreted that as him not wanting to go, but I think it was actually just him longing for some sort of emotion to surface.

Later that night, we were texting and I could tell that something was wrong. He refused to talk to me about it and said that he was going to bed. About an hour later, he texted me again and told me that he had drank half a bottle of whiskey.  Then he began explaining to me how he wanted to understand why he felt the way he did. He was being incredibly cryptic, which gave me bad vibes. After asking him a few questions, I came to the realization that he was saying he didn’t feel for me.

That frustrated him, so he drank trying to figure out why he couldn’t.  As I’ve said in last posts,  Pikachu is a sociopath. But he wants so desperately to feel something for me, because he enjoys being around me. He also told me that he doesn’t really feel the need to think too much the way he does with other people when we’re together.

Anyway, he told me all about his frustration for not feeling for me and how it made him even more bothered that he was incapable of being upset about not feeling for me. I asked him how he wanted to go forward, and his response really shocked me. The past four people I have been into have just “stopped liking me” or were incapable of feeling for me in the first place. Regardless, Pikachu said that he wanted to keep trying to see if maybe he could eventually feel.

Then we had this whole conversation about how he has addiction issues and why would I want to stick around. I replied that I cared for him and that I wasn’t the kind of person to leave people. Somehow that led into a discussion about how he actually felt for his ex-girlfriend and when she left he killed himself. The doctors managed to revive him, though, and now he’s with us today…

After hearing that story, I could do nothing but apologize for his ex’s mistakes and tell him that I wasn’t going to leave. That I was going to be there for him as long as he would allow me to be, and in whatever way he wanted me to be. I told him that not feeling wasn’t an issue, and that the fact that he wanted to stick around meant more than he knew.

I cried about the whole thing like a little bitch.  Then I came to terms with it, and realized that he needs me just as much as I need him. I feel like in one way or another, we are supposed to be in each other’s lives. We met for a reason. That’s always been the vibe that he’s given me. That and the fact that he serves a great purpose in my world. So I’m accepting and embracing that he can’t feel. I’m taking it for what it is, because I know for a fact everything is going to work out.
~CC.

Diary: It’s Official!! 8-03-14

I currently have no data due to the fact that I’m in the middle of nowhere in Indiana. Gosh, all I can do with my damn phone is text. It’s like living in the stone ages. I also have no wifi, so I’m just saving this in a note on my phone to post later in the week.

Anyway, Pikachu brought up the subject of what we are going to call our hanging out often, flirty texting all the time, and kissing. This brought on some crying, and an anxiety attack on my part. Thank God the conversation was through text and that I was 1000 miles away… Had it been in person,  it would have been obvious I was losing my shit. Although most people would have been offended that he brought it up over text, I am quite relieved.
                                                            
He basically asked what we were going to call our actions, to which I played dumb and responded, “What do you mean?” Bad decision. He then said never mind and attempted to change the subject. I refused to allow that to happen, and was just like, “YOU WERE ABOUT TO TRY TO HAVE THAT CONVERSATION. THE ONE WHERE YOU MAKE THINGS OFFICIAL IN SOME WAY.”

Then he told me that he was, and the discussion was saved. At that point, he told me that he wanted us to be whatever was going to make me happy. I told him I wanted to be exclusively dating with hopes to have a serious relationship in the nearish future. He agreed to that, and it was great. Although, he didn’t forget to warn me that I would be a side bitch to his main bitch, which is his pet chinchilla.

I’m super stoked to see where this shit goes. Pikachu is super respectful, and we’re taking things at a slower pace than I’m used to… It seems as though this could be nothing but good.

Yayyy. I’m dating a boy!
~CC.

Diary: A Weight Lifted 8-01-14

Where do I even begin?
Today, magical events took place… But before I can begin to speak of those magical things, I have to tell you the back story.

The other day, I got a new phone. I ended up switching from an iPhone to an Android. Now, me, being the idiot that I am, thought that Pikachu was ignoring me. Little did I know, all of his messages were sending to my old phone through iMessage. Honestly, I began to think that he was just ignoring me.

This thought made me incredibly sad, and gave me the idiotic idea to text my ex boyfriend, T. I straight up said that I wanted his dick. That lead into this whole conversation about how I wanted him to fuck me despite his lack of feels. Then we talked on the phone for about 3 hours and it turned into this whole super deep conversation where I cried a lot.

The next morning, Pikachu messaged me on meetme saying that he wanted to come home. We then discussed how he had sent me like 10 messages and I’d never replied… At that point, I realized how happy talking to him had made me. And how relieved I was that he hadn’t given up on me. We talked nonstop from that point on.

Then Pikachu got home yesterday from Chicago, which leads to the majesticness that was earlier today. I texted him and was like, “Yo, hang out with me.” To which he did not resist. We went to this really cute garden place and walked around, then we went and hung around in a couple shopping centers. After that, we went back to Pikachu’s house where he introduced me to his dog, chinchilla, and his hamster. Then we just chilled and talked. It was actually really cool, and I enjoyed it a lot… Things just feel safe with him, and super chill.

After we’d hung out for a while, he took me home and then we stood outside of my house and talked. This kid, let’s call him Obnoxious, who’s basically my little brother would not stop harassing us. I was ready to kill him. Legitly right before Pikachu went home, he hugged me twice. Then I mumbled under my breath, “I really want to kiss you, but I’m not going to.”
His response to that was, “That’s right!” And he began making his way to his car. I asked why and he told me that he wasn’t going to kiss me in front of the child.
But Obnoxious had run a little bit up the street, so then Pikachu said that he didn’t think he could see us and ran over and kissed me goodbye.

It wasn’t any insane lip action, just a little peck… But it was very sweet, and I honestly loved the innocence of it and the whole action itself very much. It was perfect. Maybe it doesn’t sound like it, but it really was… Especially since I’m leaving town for a week tomorrow and wasn’t going to see him for a while. I’m super glad it happened today. Hopefully it will give him something to think about while I’m gone.

Just a little while ago, I called T and told him I didn’t want him in my life anymore. It felt amazing. I feel so incredibly free and like everything now is going to be so so good. I’m excited to see where things go without T, and with Pikachu. It seems as though I’ve actually found a decent guy this time, so things should be interesting.
~CC.

Horny

Holy fucking shit.
Whyyyyyy?
Life is utterly fantastic, despite one small factor.
I’m legitimately horny alllllllllllllllll the time.
And I haven’t been laid in nearly a month.
It’s honestly driving me insane.
Truly, I don’t want a sexual relationship with anybody right now.
I want a completely innocent, yet emotionally involved romance with Pikachu.
I love what I have with him.
We call each other and talk about all things in life, flirt casually through text, and when we’ve hung out it’s just been both of us not wanting to offend each other.
Soooo absolutely no moves have been made.
I haven’t even kissed him yet, which is normally something I don’t hesitate to do when I like someone.
We’ve only hugged, even though we basically went out on a date. (He gives the most fantastic hugs, by the way. Seriously.)
It’s the greatest thing that I’ve had with anyone in a long ass time.

But my hormones are getting fucking out of control.
It’s kind of ridiculous.
Like masturbate at least 2 times a day ridiculous.
Ughhhhhhh.
Stop, vagina.
Stop and just allow my brain to be happy with this gorgeous, brilliant, tattooed boy that respects you enough to keep his dick in his pants.
You know you’ll get it eventually, so just chill the fuck out for right now.
~CC.

Thoughts

I’m seriously just laying here, and I cannot get him out of my head.
I want things to work so badly.
And honestly, I think they’re going to…
That scares the living fuck out of me.
I feel like my hopes are already pretty high.
It’s hard for me to have faith in many things.
I know in the past that I’ve said that I thought things were going to work out, and life would be okay.
But it’s never been this way.
I know things are going to be okay, because they’re so incredibly more than okay right now.
It’s just this feeling that has sunk deep into my core, and no matter how much I try to shake it… It’s a part of me now.
A huge part of my life.
He’s going to be something so significant to me.
Actually, he’s already becoming that.
Slowly, maybe… But surely.
Not only is he going to be significant, but he’s also going to be significantly different.
He’s not an asshole.
He’s not a douchebag.
He’s not a user or a liar.
I don’t see him having the capability of screwing anyone over… Especially not me.
I’ve always had to make excuses for everyone else, or have had to convince myself I was the exception to all their shitty rules and bullshit games.
But not with him…
And right now, I really just want to be close to him.
In an innocent way, too.
I am so eager to discover if this is actually going to go the way that I believe it is…
I want him to hold me, and kiss me, and just be near me.
But I guess that will all happen in due time.
Definitely not in at least the next week or so, because his beautiful face is all the way in Chicago.
It might be a good thing that the things which could potentially happen can’t right now.
I think I need slow.
Life has been far too fast recently.
Maybe this is the way it needs to be for the relationship to develop correctly?
Things are going to happen, though, eventually.
I have no doubt.
Good things, too.
I’m really happy that I met this guy.
~CC.

Diary: Pika 7-19-14

This.
Boy.
Is.
Perfection.

I can’t even handle it.
And I seriously just want him in the most innocent of ways, which is odd. I’m so not used to that. Anything that I’ve wanted with males recently has involved lotssss of fucking. But Jesus, I just want to hold him. I want to hold him foreverrrr. And kiss his gorgeous face, and just tell him how fantastic he is.

We’ve had 2 phone calls in the past 2 days that have lasted about 6 hours total.

It’s insane.
He’s just so chill.

We talked about my anxiety, depression, cutting, and the times that I didn’t really eat…
I’ve told him about B, and T (the infamous shitty fucking exes of mine)…
I even told him about my shitty fucking parents.
Here was the coolest part about it, though.
He fucking didn’t pity me.
He didn’t try to apologize for all the wrong that’s been done to me.
Which was fucking refreshing as shit.
All his reaction to all of it was that he didn’t understand how guys could screw over girls to get laid (like T).
Or how people could cheat on another. He claims that one of the few things he’s very strongly against is cheating, because it’s terrible.
Then he just told me how he thought he would have dealt with shit if he was in my situation with parents.
It was actually great.

My whole life people have tried to say how sorry they are and how they could never imagine dealing with some of the shitty things my family does and says… Which I think is a lot of the reason I reacted the way I did.
People made me feel as though I was a victim… But I was only a victim when I allowed myself to be. Having shitty
parents shouldn’t define me, or change the ways that I feel about myself. That’s fucking stupid, and I feel like I really overreacted… Not that some of the situations I’ve been in haven’t been bad, but I just made them worse by being self destructive..

But as Pikachu said, it’s human nature to overreact. He was really cool about everything, which I appreciate a lot.
I learned a lot about him as well.

His longest relationship was about a year long, and the girl cut it off to go to college.

He’s done every drug imaginable except K2. He refuses to touch that, because he saw some guy smoke a bit and then smash his face into a coffee table. LSD and marijuana are his favorites.

He is basically a genius, and set up a whole drug exchange system in his school where it was virtually impossible for him to get caught.

He’s a psychopath! A beautiful one, I must add. Unlike any other sociopath/psychopath I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. He’s been diagnosed, as well. But he has this theory that if it was necessary to feel again, that he could…

He saw multiple of his friends get killed and commit suicide when he was younger. (Poor baby.)

His dad is a hard ass that was borderline abusive… Pikachu is thankful for that, though. He thinks he would have ruined his life and not learned respect had he had any other father.

His mother is a super Christian, and apparently a very nice woman.

He can’t stand filth, and everything has
to be in a certain place. Apparently he didn’t used to be that way, but then he became a stoner. (Smoking 4-8 times a day.) He said that he’d lose track of everything and be too stoned to find it, so then he just organized his shit so it was easy to find.

Gosh, and so much more… He’s so incredibly interesting.

He also told me not to feel uncomfortable about being bisexual, because he is also. That was pretty cool, because I’d seriously had no idea until he said something. Apparently he has been with some guys, because he feels like all guys want is sex… And at the times when he wanted sex, he didn’t want to hurt a female to get it.
Because they’re fragile, and get emotionally attached and shit.
He’s been with one girl, but they were fucked up on molly when they had sex… So it didn’t mean anything to either of them after the fact. He also said it felt wrong.

He says that emotionally he feels like he’s a virgin, just because he’s never had the actual emotional connection to someone he had sex with.
It was so cute, because we started talking about how the sex is going to be when he actually cares.
He was pretty much like, “The first time isn’t going to be in a car. It’s not going to be a quickie. It’s going to be amazing. There’s gonna be candles, and I have a hot tub, so that will be used…”
And honestly, maybe I misread this, but I think he thinks I’m going to be that person… The person he actually cares about.

I have this overwhelming feeling that I’m going to marry this guy.
That probably sounds fucking insane.
Hell, it is fucking insane. Butttt… That’s what I think is going to happen. And I’ve never felt this way before.

I could be completely wrong.
Guess only time will tell?
~CC.

Sociopath: Part 2 (6-12-14)

“If I do that, my mom is going to eat my dick, and not in the good way.” I’m still laughing about that, babe.

Sociopath made his own blog, by the way! It will sort of correspond with my own. (Here’s the link: ccssociopath.wordpress.com  ) He’s much better at getting his point across in text, and writes beautifully, so I’m sure it will be a great blog to follow. Check it out!

I’d just like to apologize in advance for the clusterfuck that I’m sure this post is going to be. I am super caught up in my own thoughts, and don’t really know how to articulate them at the moment. Regardless, I am going to try!
I had another fun-filled afternoon with the infamous Sociopath yesterday. When I got to his house, he came outside and met my mother who refused to quit exclaiming how adorable he was. After that, we went into his house and up to his bedroom. We chilled on his couch for a while, then we began kissing. I still cannot get over what a wonderful kisser he is.
The kissing led to him fingering me, which felt amazing. Then he asked me where the condoms were, and I retrieved them. Once I had gotten those out, it was just over. We fucked a tonnn. At first we started having sex and I was sitting on his lap, facing him, with him inside of me. That was honestly one of my favorite ways to fuck, simply because I could kiss all over his face and run my hands down his amazing arm and back muscles that rippled every time he moved. Seriously, such a turn on.
Next, he bent me over his bed again. Oh my goodness gracious. For some reason my body just could not handle it. I went fucking crazy and had to try sooo hard not to scream with every thrust. Things start to get a little hazy from that point, because I was cumming so much that I got a little light-headed.  I remember everything we did, just not the order that we did it in. So, he literally picked me up and wrapped my legs around his waist then fucked me that way. That was too goddamn sexy. I mean, I knew he was strong, but I had no idea he was that strong. He also climbed on top of me and fucked me on his couch. Pretty sure that was my favorite portion of the whole experience. I love being dominated more than I can even describe in words. Having a beautiful man over me, just wanting to be inside of me and holding me is the sexiest thing in the whole entire universe. And honestly, having Sociopath do all of those things was like being in a dream. He is by far one of the most physically and intellectually attractive people I have ever met in my life.
Back to the sex, though. Holy shit. So he has this little nook that has a sink and a mirror in it right next to his room. He took me over there, bent me over, and just continued to fuck me. Now, I’m not even going to lie, for the longest time I have questioned why anyone would ever want to have any sort of relations with me. After seeing the faces that I make and the way that I react to sexual pleasure, I think I now understand. Let’s just say, I was kind of fucking sexy. Honestly, that was one of the few times that I’ve actually found myself appealing and it was a very strange thing. Also, while we were fucking in front of the mirror, he legitimately picked up my legs to where I was basically laying down in the air, with my hands still holding the sink, then he just kept going. It was insane in the greatest kind of way. I don’t think my vagina has ever been so wet in my whole existence.
We then had to go eat dinner, which made me feel terrible because Sociopath had not yet cum. Near the end of the meal, he started to experience quite a bit of pain due to blue balls, which made me feel even worse. Once we went back upstairs to his room, he told me that I should get in his bed and cuddle with him. I reallyyyyyyyy wanted to, but I also didn’t want to piss off his mother, so I decided against it. This resulted in me taking a seat on his couch. He ended up leaning halfway off of the bed and over onto his couch just to kiss me and sort of cuddle me. Hahah.Then he kind of pounced onto me on the couch from his bed, then we started making out. This led to me giving him a handjob/blowjob and finishing him off. It’s odd how much making him cum brings me undeniable joy.
Once he finally came, we just cuddled, kissed a lot, and talked about different life things. He showed me some videos from a trip to Florida where he rode on jet skis, saw dolphins, went shooting, and went parasailing. It was pretty cool. I really enjoy the fact that he wants to share random parts of his life with me, even when they’re just little things. Getting to really, really know him is a goal of mine. I want to be someone he feels he can trust, confide in, and knows will be there no matter what. Even when it comes to the small shit.
Now, our cuddle fest led to me being myself and asking him stupid questions, which I already sort of knew the answer to. I began asking him about love, and his capability to love. Of course, I knew his explanation would not be the same as your typical, every day person. He told me that he is capable of feeling physically in love with someone and attached to them, but there is no emotional aspect to that love. He elaborated and said that he has felt that physical love before with his ex-girlfriend, but that it faded away when they were torn apart by her parents. Upon hearing that, I automatically jumped at the thought and asked if he thought he could ever have that with someone else. The answer Sociopath gave me was very mystifying, and I believe that being perplexing was his intention, so that I would be puzzled and quit asking about it… But he basically said that I was the closest he’d been to a person in a long time, forever, actually. Let’s just say, that’s left me with quite a bit to think about. I guess that I am far too hopeful he will develop some sort of longing for me because, as I told him, I already have slight feelings for him. Feelings which are bound to grow with the passing of time. I have many more thoughts about this whole situation, but I figure it’s best to drop it for now and just allow things to happen as they will.
We continued to cuddle, talk, and watch a movie until I had to go home. Before I left, he started cracking up on his couch and couldn’t get up, because he was laughing so hard (for no reason whatsoever). It was really cute, and I couldn’t help but laugh with him. Sociopath has a wonderful laugh that’s quite contagious. After his giggling fit ceased, he got up and gave me many hugs and kisses goodbye. Then he walked me out to the car, and talked to my mother again. As we drove away, she didn’t hesitate to tell me how cute he was and that he’d make nice grandchildren.
I really enjoy all of the time that I spend with Sociopath. Being around him just always seems to clear my mind, and makes living seem like less of a chore. His company has been a tremendous benefit to my life thus far, and I have a feeling that that’s not going to change anytime soon. He’s truly an astounding human being, and I hope to get closer and closer to him as time elapses.

Sociopath: Part 1 (6-09-14)

“I get to play a game of hide and seek with emotions and feelings and I’m a good hider.”

Wow. Wowowow.

A lot has happened in merely two days. It’s slightly ridiculous how much has happened, actually.

My friend, Ginger, had a pool party at a hotel for her birthday. Her boyfriend had this friend who went with him, let’s just call him Sociopath (explanations will come later). He’s beautiful. By far one of the sexiest guys I have ever laid my eyes upon. He has really wonderful arm muscles, and abs. Ugh. He’s pretty much perfect. I knew the second that he took his shirt off, and then started to flirt with me in the hot tub that I wanted him… Little did I know that he wanted me too.
While sitting in the hot tub, we began an intriguing conversation about how he does not feel. He feels no emotion, or physical pain, hence why I call him sociopath. Then he told me that I could ask him 10 random weird and awkward questions since he no longer feels embarrassment. So I asked him 7 or 8 before, and we wrestled in the pool and flirted for the duration of the party.

I still had about 3 questions left at that point, so Sociopath, being all slick and shit, was like,”Hey, you could text me those 3 questions.” Then he gave me his number. I died a little bit…

Let’s just say that.

But I held off. I waited a bit after he left to text him and say hey. Then we talked for pretty much the whole night about his life and sexual frustrations. This leads up to my favorite part. He began implying that he wanted a fuck buddy. Now at first, I was like… Nahh. I probably shouldn’t do that. Then he began hinting that he wanted to fuck me. I had my doubts about the whole thing, and thought it would be degrading or fuck me up emotionally. Plus, he was a virgin, so I felt really shitty that he was going to waste that for a good lay.(AKA: Me)

But eventually morals, and all the fucks I gave went out the window. Then I, almost not seriously, agreed to be his friend with benefits. We talked about it pretty much the whole next day, then he invited me to come over.

And Jesus, did I cum over.

At first, we just sat on his couch for a bit, and then we began making out. Hardcore. He’s such a great kisser, too. Oh my goodness. Much better than I was expecting. Possibly the best kisser of the 12 people I’ve kissed. Then, his hand began making its way up my leg and eventually into my shorts. He fingered me after that. Which was magical. Then he ate me out. Also incredibly magical. That boy can work wonders with his mouth. After that, I blew him. Which,let’s just say, was a privilege. His dick is magnificent. Seriously. Like the God of all dicks. We also fucked on his couch, which was awesome, and felt fantastic. I don’t think that I’ve ever felt sexual pleasure like that.

Ummm… When he finally came, we just hung out for a while. Watched movies, played video games, cuddled, kissed, and talked. I feel really comfortable around him. It’s really fucking weird, because I don’t feel comfortable around anyone. I always feel super awkward or out of place. But with Sociopath, it’s different. Almost as though his lack of feeling just reassures me that I don’t need to freak out all the time in order to be okay.

He’s very different from all other people in general. Ridiculously charming with a fantastic sense of humor. Sociopath is the kind of person I could see myself developing very deep, emotional feelings for, which scares the living shit out of me. I have two really big fears in life: zombies and dead animals. If I had to name my 3rd biggest fear, then it would definitely be rejection. I’m afraid that eventually I’m going to start to develop feelings for him, feelings that he is incapable of reciprocating. It’s quite a struggle, because I want someone like him, need someone like him. I want someone to hold me the way that he does, to tell me how pretty I am, to kiss my face, to run their fingers through my hair, to text me throughout the day, to fuck me like they actually want me and not like they’re just having sex to have it, to be there when no one else is.

That’s the dilemma, though. There aren’t people like Sociopath out there. A majority of people are selfish and don’t care if others are happy. Regardless of his lack of feelings, he wants other people to feel joy. He blows my mind. In many ways. Yet, it is inevitable that I will be rejected by him. So I’m just going to try to suppress my feelings as much as humanly possible whenever they come about. That’s the best thing I can do for everyone.

Anyway, back to us hanging out… When we were about to leave, someone in his family turned off the lights down the hall from his room. Then he turned off the TV, and shushed me. After that, he pushed my into his bed and undid my shorts. Oh my gosh. I’m pretty sure it was the sexiest thing I have ever experienced in my whole entire life. He put his dick inside of me and I had to try so hard not to scream. Then he turned me around and started fucking me doggy style, with my face pressed into the bed. Holy shit. Holy shit. It makes me ridiculously wet to even think about. Although the actual sex itself didn’t last long, I came at least 10 times, I’m pretty sure. By far the best sex I have ever had.

It was super personal. More personal than sex with people I had been with and known for long periods of time. He was also very affectionate, and often kissed my face and other parts of me, which I loveeee. Overall, it was wonderful.

After all of that, I felt better about myself and life than I have in a long time. I felt less alone, and like I was actually worth something. Which is incredibly ironic considering the fact that most people feel belittled by physical relationships.

But the relationship between Sociopath and I has been a very beneficial one thus far. I truly think it’s exactly what I’ve been needing, and I’m interested to see what awesome sex we have in the future. I’m also interested to just get to know this guy on a more person level. To the point where I’m giving him a link to my blog…(Something I have only ever done for A, my best friend.)
This is going to be a good arrangement, despite all of my emotional bullshit. I can definitely dig it.
~CC.