Moving (On)

Yesterday, I moved out of the house that my ex and I picked shortly after we got married. I had been living there by myself since the beginning of April. I took his name off of the lease in order to get him to move out 6 months before our lease ended. It was something that I could afford on my own, but it was a bit of a stretch and was financially a burden. I think in my time living there and trying to survive, I didn’t allow myself to truly go through all the pain and grief that accompanied living there.

Last night, before I left, I sat in the middle of the living room of the completely empty house and sobbed. I don’t feel grief over the fact that my ex and I didn’t work out. That relationship wasn’t for me and it wasn’t serving me. I feel grief over the time and the money wasted. I feel grief for the 2 years of my life and the ability to have the experience of my first marriage with my forever partner being robbed from me. I grieved because for my entire adulthood, I have moved around incredibly frequently. I thought that house would be my resting place for a more extended period, but it turned out to only be temporary.

I grieved the most because childhood me loved the life that I could have had. The potential of that stupid house. My childhood was always full of fear, uncertainty, and a lack of emotional capacity from the adults surrounding me. In my adulthood, I wanted the opposite of that so badly. Last year, I saw a 4 bedroom house with a picket fence in suburbia as a sign of safety and security. How wrong I was, because within those walls there was no safety or security in sight. It was complete misery for close to a year of my life. I constantly wondered what fresh horror tomorrow would bring. I lived in fear and chaos, yet again, just like when I was a kid.

Now, I’m moving into a small 1 bedroom apartment with my cat. In some ways, it feels like failure. Divorce is seen as publicly shameful. Moving from a 4 bedroom house into an apartment probably looks really negative to outsiders. But with the small apartment comes the safety and security I have always dreamed of. It’s a home that’s mine and no one else’s. I don’t have to worry about anyone ruining my space, and I don’t have to accept anyone there that I don’t want to be there. It is something that I did by myself and for myself. There is so much love and strength involved. There’s so much more self care and confidence that I never imagined myself being capable of.

Looking back is hard, but I feel like I am leaving some of the most difficult parts of my life behind me. For the first time ever, I feel at peace. I feel the inner parts of me that are childlike and broken slowly healing. The weight of all of my trauma felt like someone was standing on my throat. I didn’t know how to breathe. I fought the trauma off and didn’t allow it to stand on me anymore. Slowly, I’m learning how to breathe again. I’m learning how to live without this terrible, crushing ailment. I’m learning how to live, period.

And it’s beautiful. Even in a 1 bedroom apartment. Divorce is not defeat. Not being able to control a negative situation without removing yourself from it is not failure. Success is measured by your ability to adapt, survive, and stand in your truth. Remain strong, and don’t compromise your happiness or beliefs. It will all turn out alright in the end if you stay true to yourself and love yourself first. I’m living proof.

~CC.

Unjaded or Stupid? You decide.

Sometimes the decision that’s the best for yourself is the hardest one to make.

I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to be here right now.

How did everything in my life get so massively fucked up?

I went from marrying a drug addict to getting a divorce to becoming infatuated with a girl so spontaneously and unexpectedly.

I didn’t even realize how much I obsessed over her until she started to pull away. Then I didn’t allow myself to feel it. I refused to acknowledge it. Until fucking TikTok decided to present me with this little gift that absolutely annihilated every part of my heart and spun me into a panic attack: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRUYaeHo/?k=1

But here I am, feeling broken and foolish yet again.

I didn’t even cry like this over my ex husband. I’ve been full on, uncontrollably sobbing. I’m having chest pain and feel like I can’t breathe because I’m crying so fucking hard. I think this feeling is why I steered away from dating women for a few years. There’s such a deep and emotional connection that just doesn’t translate to being with men.

It’s a different kind of pain when it doesn’t work out. It’s a different kind of love when it’s working.

I know that I’m going to look back on this and be thankful for the experiences that I had in this time in my life. It’s definitely the largest learning and growing period I have EVER gone through.

But holy shit, I just want it to stop for a minute. Like give me a fucking break. Haven’t I had enough character development? I’m only 25 and I’ve had a failed long term relationship where I lived with the guy along with a failed marriage. Like,

Life: 12

Me: 0

I get it, I lost. You can stop now.

But I guess it’s not just life that sucks and keeps fucking me. I suck and keep fucking me, too. I self sabotage ALL the time. I put myself in risky situations. I procrastinate. I drink too much and won’t stop smoking and vaping. I walk into relationships and situations that I know are designed to hurt me.

The scariest part for me at this point is wondering, “Am I going to settle again?” I don’t trust myself. Am I going to settle for something that puts me in another position to feel like this all over again? Do I really want genuine love with someone or do I just want to stop feeling so alone?

Did I really care about the girl that I’m currently crying about, or did I just love the thought of her? I romanticized her. There were red flags and concerns throughout our time talking. I pushed forward anyway, I didn’t guard my heart.

Why do I do that? Why don’t I protect myself? Why don’t I value myself? Why don’t I tell myself, “No, you deserve better.” Before I even get into these situations? Some people say that they’re shocked that I’m not jaded at this point in my life, but maybe I’m just fucking naive. Or fucking stupid. You decide.

~CC.

Panic

I am on the verge of an anxiety attack.

Why?

Because I am falling in love again and that’s so fucking scary.

It comes with so many fears and so many questions.

Am I good enough? Am I ready for this? Will I end up hurt again? Will I end up hurting her? Does she feel as deeply as I do? Is it going to fizzle out? Is it real? Is it right? When is she going to realize that I’m not as great as she thinks I am?

I feel like I could throw up.

I don’t know if I can take another heartbreak. It hasn’t even happened yet, and I’m already planning for it.

Why the fuck can’t I just be happy?

~CC

Divinity and Orgasms

The girl I talked about in my last post (Goddess) and I have been talking extremely frequently. She is a wonder of the world and I’m consistently left wondering why she wants to be a part of mine. We’ve been speaking or seeing each other every single day since we met. After we met, we spent the next 4 days straight together. Then I had to go on vacation and we texted the entire time (5 days) I was gone.

She is insanely raw, compassionate, and she shows up unconditionally for the people that she cares about. Her sense of humor is absolutely wicked and she makes witty commentary that leaves me speechless sometimes. She is ridiculously beautiful in a way that causes me to constantly think about her, or her skin, or the curve of her thigh, or the way that she sighs…

We can talk about anything and everything. Past regrets, love, trauma, family, death, joy, insignificant favorites, sex, pets, food, and the list goes on and on and on. Legitimately, nothing is off of the table. I have never felt so safe and like I could be so open with someone so quickly. I find myself bringing MYSELF to every single conversation and being happy that I showed up.

Running my fingers across her skin legitimately feels like spontaneously combusting from the inside. It feels like a really soft, warm weight on my chest in the best way. It makes my hands feel like they’re about to catch fire; scalding and tingly. She makes my heart race and my breath gets caught in my throat.

Last night, I came back into town from being on my trip. Goddess and I had coordinated seeing each other and she decided that she wanted to come hang out at my house. I had mentioned to her that I had bug bites, and a sunburn so she brought me my favorite snack, a tube of cortizone and some face masks to help with dry skin. Upon her arrival, I immediately kissed her and let her know how much I’d missed her.

We then ended up going to cuddle in my room and decided to watch scary movies. During the movies, we were kissing constantly and were tangled up in each other’s arms. After a few hours of that, Goddess fell asleep. I let her sleep because we had been staying up texting nights in a row previously, so I assumed she was exhausted.

My assumption was wrong, because at one point she rolled over and began kissing me. Hard. Like started out kissing me with her lips slightly open and then it turned into her tongue completely in my mouth. When I couldn’t stand it anymore, I grabbed her and pulled her on top of me. She continued to kiss me deeply. I ran my hands up and down her sides and across her hips. I pulled her hair a little bit and put my hand around her throat as she kissed me. I wish that I could describe in words what having her on top of me felt like. It’s a feeling that I’m going to have to just hold onto mentally, because nothing even compares.

I was kind of caught off guard by this interaction, as I was expecting her to go to sleep. But as usual, horniness became the front seat driver. I laid her down on her back, pinned her to the bed, and began kissing down her neck. Shortly after that, I commanded that she take her clothes off. (We had spoken about it and she consented to being told what to do previously.) I attempted to talk dirty to her but upon seeing her naked, all that kept coming out of my mouth was, “You’re so fucking gorgeous.” Everything about her was perfect, from the width of her hips to the arch in her back, to the way her hair fell down against her perfect tits, to the little mole next to her belly button, to the shape of her vagina. And on top of all of that, she was quite possibly the most beautiful person I’d ever met on the inside, too.

After admiring her for a moment, I touched her pussy to see how wet she was. She was absolutely soaked. I rubbed her clit softly and then got harder and harder. She moaned my name. She put her hand around my throat and bit me, leaving hickies all over my chest. I kissed, bit, and sucked my way down her chest. I asked if I could eat her out. She said, “You can do whatever you want.”

Previously, she had mentioned that she had trouble orgasming and had just accepted the fact that she wasn’t going to receive gratification from sex. I decided that was unacceptable, and made it my fucking mission to make her cum. I started off by slowly and lightly stroking my tongue across her clit. Then I built up speed and intensity. She moaned my name and squirmed as I licked her. Her pussy tasted absolutely amazing.

I alternated between sucking on her clit and licking it in small circles. Toward the end of the session, she was screaming for me, telling me that she was going to cum. It took me longer than I would have liked to make her cum, (just means I need to practice more) but eventually she did. When she did, holy fuck. It was one of the sexiest things I have ever seen in my life. She screamed my name, giggled, and basically convulsed in pleasure. I made my way back up to kiss her and she grabbed me and put her tongue in my mouth. I was still covered in her cum, and I thought it was so fucking sexy.

After that, I laid and held her while she stayed naked, just still amazed that this ethereal being wanted to remain in MY bed. She was short of breath, and told me, “I really, really like you.” I let her know that the feeling was mutual. We then proceeded to cuddle and talk for a few hours and then she went home. I didn’t mind that she didn’t get me off. Honestly, I don’t mind if she never does. Watching her orgasm was an experience unlike any other. Merely existing in the same space as her and being in her presence is a privilege.

~CC

Mistakes were Made

Ohhh, man. Maybe the universe is telling me to just be truly fucking single or to not get into sexual relationships. I went over to Golden Retriever’s house (read my previous post) last night after drinking by the pool for a lot of the day. For some context, we had talked about becoming exclusive fuck buddies. I bumped up my dick appointment a couple days, and went there for the first time last night to feel it out.

Things were pretty good upon arrival, but ended up being very frustrating by the end of the night. I rolled up to his house, which was a small garage apartment that was very run down. I’d heard that men who lived in crusty places had the best sex, so this (stupidly) didn’t deter me. We had discussed watching Jurassic Park previously, as I had never seen it before. He had it ready upon me walking in the door. I sat down on the couch next to him, and the movie began playing.

Shortly after the movie began, GR grabbed one of my tits. I responded with, “I didn’t know if you should make the first move or if I should.” He said, “What would you do? Just grab my dick?” Instead of doing that, I just immediately straddled him and started grinding my pussy on him. He kissed me deeply and it was kind of sexy. I decided to keep kissing him, biting his lip occasionally and throwing some tongue in. I could feel him getting hard against me.

I decided that I wanted to suck his dick, so I made my way down that direction. I kissed along his chest, leaving hickies here and there. Then I went down and put his cock in my mouth. He had a decently sized dick, but it was a size to where I could easily deep throat it, which was kind of fun. While I was sucking his dick, he pulled me off of him and pushed me back onto the couch. He climbed on top of me and started to finger me. He was good at it and I squirted almost immediately. At one point, I grabbed his hand in order to try to get him to choke me. Rather than doing so, he lightly hit me in the face and said, “Don’t ever tell me what to do.”

That was super sexy. Shortly after that, he did choke me while he fingered me. This made me cum pretty aggressively. Then he stuck his dick inside of me. It felt pretty good and I orgasmed again. This resulted in him cumming so fast. I was kind of disappointed, but he let me know that we should be able to go for round 2 pretty quickly.

We continued to watch the movie with him noting different things about it. When I realized that he would be ready for round 2, I went and sucked his dick again. He fingered me while I was sucking his cock. I’m pretty sure he inserted 3 fingers inside of me, and it felt great. Right after that, he told me that he wanted me to ride him. While I was riding him he said, “You need to cum for me,” so I did. I orgasmed all over his dick. Then he pushed me over again and grabbed me by the throat while he fucked me. Again, the fun was short lived and he came almost immediately.

We sat on the couch for a little while longer. I asked him if he thought he could do a round 3. He told me no, which totally sucked. I had cum a few times but I’m the kind of girl who wants to orgasm like 10-20 times in one session. And honestly, if he had continued fingering me or even seemed interested in getting me off again then I would have cum more. He did not seem interested unless it got him off. Red flag number 1.

Red flag number 2. He was talking about hot girls on Instagram. Just being fuck buddies, this didn’t bother me and I enjoyed looking at these attractive women with him. At first. Then we came across a very skinny girl. He immediately said, “I’m super shallow. I like plus size girls for sex, but if I’m going to have a long term relationship then I have to be with a fit or skinny girl.” This pissed me off, because I am, in fact, a plus size woman.

Red flag number 3. He confessed that one night when we were talking on the phone, he’d lied about the reason that he said he needed to get off the phone. At the time, he told me that he had to go because he had friends coming over. He confessed shortly after we’d fucked that he actually left to go hook up with another girl. And decided to just LIE to me about it.

So, after all of that, I came to the executive decision that the sex was too subpar for all of that BULLSHIT. I have never been so disrespected in my goddamn life. It was insane. I’m generally not the kind of person who is easily offended, but this just made my blood boil. I sat there with him for another 30 minutes or so just reflecting on the whole situation and how to handle it.

I decided it would be better to just work through my feelings and then drive home. We sat and watched another show and then I made the excuse that I needed to leave. I got in my car and immediately called one of my best friends in Louisiana. During the time I was sitting on Gross Boy’s couch, I just kept thinking about how much I wanted to talk to Louisiana about everything that had just happened. I feel that way regularly and he has been the most amazing friend to me. I’d always thought about trying to take things a step further, but didn’t know how to confess to him that I wanted to.

While I was on the phone, I just began spilling my guts. I told Louisiana how much our frequent conversations meant to me and how I had a ton of respect for him. I love his life philosophies and appreciate how much he’s there for me.

He seemed shocked and has never really gone out of his way to be in relationships because he fears failure and rejection. I don’t think that we’ll really talk about what I said anymore, and that’s okay. He’s not really emotionally available but he’s still become one of my very best friends. It was a sweet conversation.

Now, it’s been a few days since that stupid hook up. I just received a text from Gross Boy saying that he has the symptoms of an STD. I plan to go get STD tested hopefully tomorrow. I’ll be hanging up my casually fucking hat for a while after that.

So mistakes were made, but that’s life, I guess.

~CC

Golden Retriever Energy

While having sex with the 43 year old was fun, things fell off pretty quickly. I found myself wanting to have conversations with someone semi-regularly but not getting them from him. I crave attention and he just wasn’t giving me enough, even when I was sending saucy photos and messages.

I got onto Bumble and pretty quickly matched up with this guy. Based on his profile, I noticed that he was blonde, tall, and pretty sexy. He also had a great sense of humor. I decided to message him. We exchanged snapchats within a few messages.

The only thing that was kind of weird for me is the fact that he’s also 25. I don’t tend to even give people that young any attention. But I decided to make an exception and I’m glad that I did.

Within our first few hours of talking, we had divulged our kinks, had conversations about deep life shit, and more. We messaged each other and responded to each other almost instantaneously. He was intelligent, there was witty banter, and he was very easy to talk to.

The first day that we started talking, I went out and got drunk with a few friends. He and I had discussed having sex in the near future and I wasn’t super sold on the idea. But drunk me definitely wanted sober me to fuck him. So drunk me sent him a great tit photo. He was impressed, to say the least.

Yesterday, we continued to talk throughout the day. We talked about previous relationships, sex, movies, interests, and more. I ended up calling him while I went on my evening walk and we talked on the phone for 3 1/2 hours. One of the things I thought was really sweet was that we had talked about different beers. He told me there was a prickly pear beer that he’d bought. I explained that I loved all things prickly pear. Later in our conversation, he let me know that he’d set aside a beer and saved it for me. It was a small thing but it was definitely giving golden retriever energy. When we had conversations about movies, he was surprised at some that I hadn’t seen. (I’m not a big movie girly.) He told me that we could lay in bed and watch movies in between orgasms.

Another thing that happened while we were on the phone for 3 1/2 hours was that we had phone sex. If I didn’t know that I wanted to fuck him before, I definitely knew after that. We delved into all of our different kinks. He’s very dominant while I’m super submissive. I’m a masochist and he’s a sadist. I had never had anyone call me a good girl before, but when he did it made me orgasm almost immediately. He has a super deep, incredibly sexy voice. He told me to fuck myself for him and demanded that I cum for him. He reminded me of what it would be like to actually feel him inside of me with his hands around my throat. When I orgasmed the first time, he told me that I wasn’t allowed to stop and that I needed to keep fucking myself harder. This reduced me into a fucking puddle. I was so wet and orgasmed HARD 3 times in a row.

I made an executive decision that I wanted him to be my summer fuck buddy after that phone call. It was so much fun and I have this feeling that we’re going to have really hot and kinky sex. There’s been a void for someone to handle me really aggressively in my life, and I think he might fill it… Along with my pussy, at the least. I have a dick appointment with him on Wednesday, so I’ll keep you updated!

~CC

Diary: Fucked Up (In All Senses of the Word) 7-01-14

I’m fucked up. In case you hadn’t noticed.

But I’m actually even more fucked up than I’d originally thought.

Yeah, I knew I had anxiety. That was just an undeniable fact, and probably has been my whole life.

Going to the doctor about that anxiety opened up a whole new door involving mental illnesses I might have. He not only diagnosed me with severe anxiety, but he also pegged me with depression. Then he told me that I might have ADD, which I was shocked by. Apparently nobody else is, but that’s a different story. After that, he suggested I get blood work done in order to check my thyroid and THS levels. The blood work came back yesterday, and my THS levels have changed greatly in just a mere four months since I last had them checked. That’s not normal, so next up comes a trip to the endocrinologist. Hoorayyyy.

Due to my anxiety and depression, the doctor gave me a prescription for both Zoloft and Lorazepam. I don’t know if the Zoloft has begun working yet, but the Lorazepam (a “chill pill”/benzo) is beautiful. It puts me in this state of mind where it is legitimately impossible to worry, and that was a feeling I had NEVER experienced before. Even when I was high on marijuana, drunk, high on narcotics, or had combined a mixture of those things. It is quite a fantastic drug, and I’m happy that I was prescribed it, because my anxiety attacks were getting out of control.

What else has happened? Hmmm… Monday my ex boyfriend, T, snuck in through my window just like old times. Before he came, I had smoked a little weed, and taken two of my Lorazepam because I was so nervous about seeing him. We hadn’t hung out or really talked much in person since he reconnected with me.

Anyway, T came over. Narcotics are his thing, and he’s into abusing oxycodone right now. So, he came over high as a fucking kite. It was honestly ridiculous, and I have no idea how he even managed to make it through my window. But, he did it. Then that resulted in him doing me.

Now, let’s be honest, I knew he was there to fuck me… But I thought maybe, just maybe, that he might want to talk through our relationship dynamic. He’s been telling me that he still loves me, and truly wants to work things out, but then puts no effort into talking to me. So I figured we could talk that out in person, and that that would be part of his intention for coming over.

Nope.

We cuddled for a few minutes with no words, and then he just attacked my face with his face. That turned into sex… Which was honestly super weird for me. He kept asking me questions about when I’d had sex with someone else (Sociopath) WHILE he was inside of me. Not only that, but when I asked him what we were (also while he was inside of me) he seriously just shrugged. We fucked for a while, he came, and it was just… Sex. It may have even been angry sex on my part. After it was over, we cuddled for a while, and sadly I just wanted him to leave the whole time. I think sleeping with him was what I needed in order to begin the process of moving on with my life. I deserve a hell of a lot better than his bullshit and games. Just needed to remind him how much he missed me before I decided to move forward. Hahah.

Now, let’s talk about last night. That was a good fucking time, dude.

My brother came and picked me up from the house, and we hung out with his “lesbian” friend. Let’s call her Innocent. She hasn’t ever kissed anyone or done anything sexually, and she’s 16. So, bro, Innocent and I all went over to Skinny’s house. Between my bro and I, we downed about half a bottle of Bailey’s each. Innocent only had to take 2 swigs and she was goneeee. Then Skinny was drinking a little bit of wine. After we drank, Skinny and I shared some weed. I took about 10 hits, and he took maybe 5. Plus the Zoloft that I’m on for my anxiety and depression makes alcohol and weed’s effects maximized. At that point, I was feeling REALLY good. Innocent was not…

That poor girl has been through some fucked up shit, and the alcohol just made it alllll come out. Now my brother has a huge crush on this female, but Innocent thinks she is gay and is incredibly attracted to me. Because of the alcohol, she was unable to prevent herself from telling me how beautiful I was every 5 seconds. It was adorable and very flattering. There’s a special place in my heart for those who worship the ground that I walk on… So when she began crying, I held her and told her it would all be okay, that I was there, and that I cared very much. Of course, I do, but the fact that she seems to think I’m so wonderful makes me want to see her content even more.

My brother and I walked Innocent home, and he kept telling me that I should kiss her and make her feel better. I totally would have, because I give no fucks… But I didn’t want to make her think that I had feelings for her when I was just drunk, and no one should ever lose their lip virginity while intoxicated. It should be a special moment. Plus, my brother really digs her and he just faced a devastating rejection from my best friend, A, who chose his little brother over him. I wasn’t about to be the 2nd meddling little sibling to destroy his chances with a beautiful young lady this week.

After dropping Innocent off, Bro and I had some sibling bonding and talked about life and shit, then went back to Skinny’s house. We chilled with him for a bit, then decided to go home. Once I was home, I started calling people. For some reason drunk me just really enjoys talking on the phone. First, I talked to my friend Kittie, which was pretty good. I seriously love the living shit out of that girl. She’s just too amazing in so many ways. Then our friend, Pot God joined the call. All went well until Kittie had to go, and then he started getting angry at me for not liking him (basically). So I went off on him, and then left.

Then I called Sociopath! God, there’s a part of me that’s always going to be pissed off at him for not being able to just love me. He’s a really great guy, and is truly one of my favorite people that I’ve had the pleasure of meeting thus far. It’s just really cool that I don’t feel the need to worry around him, and that nothing with him is awkward. I’ve never really felt all that comfortable in my own skin, but around him I just feel comfortable about life in general. It’s a good thing, and I’m glad to know him.

Anywayyy, I talked to him for a bit, and then Kittie called me back. I added her to the call, and we all talked for a while. Apparently earlier in the night I said something about rubbing my face on my cat and how he was going to scratch me. Then Kittie had to remind me that he was declawed… Soooo that should give you an idea of how drunk/high I was. Things started turning sort of sexual between Sociopath and I while Kittie was on the phone, so she decided to go. Then Sociopath got off while he was on the phone with me, and I was too high to do much but send him pictures. Once he was done, he encouraged me to go to sleep. Anddd that was my night.

Things are really weird and I haven’t really established what sorts of relationships I want to have with specific individuals. Hopefully I will sort through that shit over the next couple weeks. I’ll keep you posted.
~CC.

Sociopath: Part 2 3/4 (6-26-14)

Oh, how I’d missed him.

I truly regret nothing.

It started out with me being slightly horny, and unable to sleep… Then it turned into phone sex.

Whoops.

So here’s what happened, Sociopath and I were texting and he was telling me how maybe the fact that I hadn’t cum in a while was why I couldn’t sleep. Then I sent him a picture of my tits in this really wonderful push up bra. Then we started dirty texting a little bit, and he sent me a picture of his dick…

After that, it was just over. So very over. 

I called him. We had some phone sex. It involved a lot of him telling me how much he wanted to be inside of me, which was just something I really needed to hear today…His voice is so goddamn sexy.

He came a lot faster than usual, which surprised me. It generally takes him foreverrrr to get off. Which I truly don’t mind, because getting him off is always quite a treat.

What can I say?

I enjoy a challenge.

But anyway, maybe he’s been missing me (sexually, at least) just as much as I’ve been missing him.

We have plans to get together tomorrow, and if not tomorrow, hopefully we can make it happen before he has to go on vacation next Tuesday.

If not, the sexual frustration just might kill me.
I will die.
~CC.

Sociopath: Part 2 1/2 (6-22-14)

I’m really confused about all things at this very moment. Honestly, I have so much going on that I’m not even sure how to begin addressing…

First off, I’ve been having anxiety attacks like a motherfucker with no explanation or reason behind them. It’s incredibly annoying, and almost debilitating.

Secondly, I don’t know what the hell to do involving my ex, T. I know that I definitely still want him in my life, but I’m not sure how. I called off my fuck buddy relationship with Sociopath due to not knowing how I feel about T. I know that I don’t want to hurt T, and the fact that he knows I had sex with someone else hurts him a fuck ton. I hate that. I wanted to be the one person to not hurt him… But I guess it’s inevitable. Everyone who is around another person long enough is going to hurt them eventually.

I’m just really torn about what to do. I want to fuck Sociopath. He’s sexy, smoldering, a really fantastic kisser, and he just seems to chill out all of my bad vibes. But I don’t want to go behind T’s back to do that, especially since I think he may be considering working things out with me sometime soon. I want to get fucked, but I don’t want to fuck shit up… I mean, I know that I’m not in a relationship and everything so it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. Yet, something about it just feels so immoral.

Soooo, I guess what I’m going to have to do is wait things out. I want something that’s going to be long term, consistent, and solid. Hopefully the universe will allow me to figure out what the fuck that is.
~CC.

List: My Favorite Things in Life

Okay, so I just opened the fridge and there was a gallon of vitamin D milk. Now, this might sound silly, but I fucking love vitamin D milk. Seeing that goddamn delicious, cream filled goodness on the refrigerator shelf inspired me to create a list of my favorite things…

Vitamin D milk being one of them. It’s just the most perfect of all milks. It’s rich and creamy, and leaves this beautiful, slick, fatty consistency on the inside of your mouth. Plus, it’s got a pureness to it, and is so much prettier and whiter than your bland 2% or fat free. Ughhhhh. So delicious.

Next up is cursing. I don’t know if you could tell, but I fucking love cursing. It’s seriously one of the most enjoyable things, and honestly the louder I do it the better I feel. When I’m angry at someone, belting out a “you fat ugly cunt” brings me satisfaction that nothing else quite compares to. The most fun time to cuss is when you’re telling a story, and it’s completely irrelevant and unnecessary, but you just throw in a few fucks and shits here and there. Wonderful.

Another fantastic thing in this world is TITTIES. I don’t really know what I think about God at this point, but the fact that He made boobs must mean that He’s a pretty okay dude. Honestly, let’s just be real. Boobies are fantastic. They bounce. They’re fun. There are big ones, small ones, round ones, long ones, perky ones, saggy ones, man ones, the list goes on. There’s a fantastic variety made for everyone, which is wonderful, because it is an undeniable fact that every human being loves breasts. Including me.

In depth conversations are another one of the greatest things ever. Getting to talk to someone, and hear about their life in depth is just such a privilege to me. Everyone has a story, and instances that define who they are. I absolutely love when people feel as though I am important enough to share those parts of themselves with.

Rainy days improve my mood about 1000%. I have never ever ever had the ability to dance, regardless, dancing in the rain is one of my favorite things to do in the world. Something about water falling out of the sky and onto me just fills me with ridiculous amounts of joy. And I can’t forget how gorgeous the sky looks when it’s raining. Especially here in Texas during tornado season, when it gets that greenish, greyish coloring. Perfection. Utter perfection.

One of my other favorite things is kissing. I don’t know who the hell came up with kissing, but I really just want to kiss them for creating it. Who the fuck even thinks of that? “Oh, yeah, I’m going to press this thing on my face that I generally use to chew food against the similar hole on your face. Hopefully this will be enjoyable.” I have no idea if that was their thought process, or not… But hey, it turned out to be a pretty good idea. Personally, I fucking love it. It’s one of the few things that can make me feel really close to person. I also consider it one of the most pleasurable things you can do with another individual. Good shit. (I actually got curious about it and looked up where kissing came from. Apparently it either originated from mothers chewing up their children’s food, and then transferring it into their mouth, which created a kiss type of action… Orrrr it came from men and women taking pre-chewed tobacco from one another, which involved them touching mouths. In legends it was also said that bringing mouths together signified the joining of two souls. Now you know!)

Chipotle is another one of my favorite things. It’s just so chill, and has the tastiest food. Fucking wonderful, ’nuff said.

Sneaking out of my house in the middle of the night is one other really great thing in my life. Holy shit, the mix of adrenaline and fear that I get from hopping out of my window past curfew is unreal. It’s especially invigorating when I have someone to meet up with or someplace to go. Getting back in is part of the fun, also. Trying to make sure the window doesn’t make too much noise, and that you don’t wake your parents… So much rebellion, freedom, and just straight up awesomeness.

Burping is also something in life that brings me joy. Maybe that’s just because I’m extremely good at it, and have been since I was 5. I can burp the ABCs, words, names, sentences, and have even mastered fitting supercalifragilisticexpialidocious into one belch. It’s not a talent I am willing to share with many, but when I do share, it fills me with the utmost pride.

I think I’m going to end this post with something that brings me so much happiness, it’s considered a mental disorder. FIIIIIRE. I love fire. Fire is passionate, raging, uncontrollable, and absolutely stunning. I’m one of those people who could watch the world burn, and be pretty excited about it. To me fire signifies destruction, but it also signifies rebirth. I usually burn old items from exes to signify 1) my hatred for them, and 2) my ability to finally move on from them. Fire is beautiful, and I enjoy it far more than I should.

Sorry for this long, incredibly random list… I’ve just been in the oddest mood recently, and I just needed to recognize some of the good things within this cruel world. Hopefully you can enjoy my small rants about some of these things, and possibly relate!
~CC.