Moving (On)

Yesterday, I moved out of the house that my ex and I picked shortly after we got married. I had been living there by myself since the beginning of April. I took his name off of the lease in order to get him to move out 6 months before our lease ended. It was something that I could afford on my own, but it was a bit of a stretch and was financially a burden. I think in my time living there and trying to survive, I didn’t allow myself to truly go through all the pain and grief that accompanied living there.

Last night, before I left, I sat in the middle of the living room of the completely empty house and sobbed. I don’t feel grief over the fact that my ex and I didn’t work out. That relationship wasn’t for me and it wasn’t serving me. I feel grief over the time and the money wasted. I feel grief for the 2 years of my life and the ability to have the experience of my first marriage with my forever partner being robbed from me. I grieved because for my entire adulthood, I have moved around incredibly frequently. I thought that house would be my resting place for a more extended period, but it turned out to only be temporary.

I grieved the most because childhood me loved the life that I could have had. The potential of that stupid house. My childhood was always full of fear, uncertainty, and a lack of emotional capacity from the adults surrounding me. In my adulthood, I wanted the opposite of that so badly. Last year, I saw a 4 bedroom house with a picket fence in suburbia as a sign of safety and security. How wrong I was, because within those walls there was no safety or security in sight. It was complete misery for close to a year of my life. I constantly wondered what fresh horror tomorrow would bring. I lived in fear and chaos, yet again, just like when I was a kid.

Now, I’m moving into a small 1 bedroom apartment with my cat. In some ways, it feels like failure. Divorce is seen as publicly shameful. Moving from a 4 bedroom house into an apartment probably looks really negative to outsiders. But with the small apartment comes the safety and security I have always dreamed of. It’s a home that’s mine and no one else’s. I don’t have to worry about anyone ruining my space, and I don’t have to accept anyone there that I don’t want to be there. It is something that I did by myself and for myself. There is so much love and strength involved. There’s so much more self care and confidence that I never imagined myself being capable of.

Looking back is hard, but I feel like I am leaving some of the most difficult parts of my life behind me. For the first time ever, I feel at peace. I feel the inner parts of me that are childlike and broken slowly healing. The weight of all of my trauma felt like someone was standing on my throat. I didn’t know how to breathe. I fought the trauma off and didn’t allow it to stand on me anymore. Slowly, I’m learning how to breathe again. I’m learning how to live without this terrible, crushing ailment. I’m learning how to live, period.

And it’s beautiful. Even in a 1 bedroom apartment. Divorce is not defeat. Not being able to control a negative situation without removing yourself from it is not failure. Success is measured by your ability to adapt, survive, and stand in your truth. Remain strong, and don’t compromise your happiness or beliefs. It will all turn out alright in the end if you stay true to yourself and love yourself first. I’m living proof.

~CC.

Unjaded or Stupid? You decide.

Sometimes the decision that’s the best for yourself is the hardest one to make.

I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to be here right now.

How did everything in my life get so massively fucked up?

I went from marrying a drug addict to getting a divorce to becoming infatuated with a girl so spontaneously and unexpectedly.

I didn’t even realize how much I obsessed over her until she started to pull away. Then I didn’t allow myself to feel it. I refused to acknowledge it. Until fucking TikTok decided to present me with this little gift that absolutely annihilated every part of my heart and spun me into a panic attack: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRUYaeHo/?k=1

But here I am, feeling broken and foolish yet again.

I didn’t even cry like this over my ex husband. I’ve been full on, uncontrollably sobbing. I’m having chest pain and feel like I can’t breathe because I’m crying so fucking hard. I think this feeling is why I steered away from dating women for a few years. There’s such a deep and emotional connection that just doesn’t translate to being with men.

It’s a different kind of pain when it doesn’t work out. It’s a different kind of love when it’s working.

I know that I’m going to look back on this and be thankful for the experiences that I had in this time in my life. It’s definitely the largest learning and growing period I have EVER gone through.

But holy shit, I just want it to stop for a minute. Like give me a fucking break. Haven’t I had enough character development? I’m only 25 and I’ve had a failed long term relationship where I lived with the guy along with a failed marriage. Like,

Life: 12

Me: 0

I get it, I lost. You can stop now.

But I guess it’s not just life that sucks and keeps fucking me. I suck and keep fucking me, too. I self sabotage ALL the time. I put myself in risky situations. I procrastinate. I drink too much and won’t stop smoking and vaping. I walk into relationships and situations that I know are designed to hurt me.

The scariest part for me at this point is wondering, “Am I going to settle again?” I don’t trust myself. Am I going to settle for something that puts me in another position to feel like this all over again? Do I really want genuine love with someone or do I just want to stop feeling so alone?

Did I really care about the girl that I’m currently crying about, or did I just love the thought of her? I romanticized her. There were red flags and concerns throughout our time talking. I pushed forward anyway, I didn’t guard my heart.

Why do I do that? Why don’t I protect myself? Why don’t I value myself? Why don’t I tell myself, “No, you deserve better.” Before I even get into these situations? Some people say that they’re shocked that I’m not jaded at this point in my life, but maybe I’m just fucking naive. Or fucking stupid. You decide.

~CC.

Tapping the Brakes

Things are odd, recently. I came to terms with the fact that I’m okay with being alone. I have never been able to say that in my entire life, so it’s kind of daunting. I just found so much love and validation in my friendships and in myself recently that I don’t necessarily need anything else.

I have still been casually dating Goddess, but things have not really gone in a direction that I know that I’m comfortable maintaining. She is still one of the most amazing human beings I have EVER met, but she’s pushing me away and that hurts. It is also incredibly confusing because she was initially the one who asked me to exclusively date. She struggles greatly with self esteem, and being open and vulnerable in regards to herself and her needs and wants. I relate to her in a lot of ways, because I have felt that way throughout different periods of my life. I know it’s incredibly difficult, and I want to be there to support her.

But I also question in my newfound journey of self-love if she’s ready for someone like me. I want to challenge the people in my life to grow and be vulnerable. I don’t want to push her into a situation that she’s not fully prepared for, even if selfishly I enjoy being around her and spending time with her. I know that I can function without that relationship and that I am alright by myself.

I just worry that if I try to confront her about the situation and suggest maybe tapping the breaks, then she might feel all of her fears about not being good enough are valid. I also don’t want to hurt her nor do I want to make her feel that way. She is enough. She’s more than enough, but she just has some things she needs to overcome and work through in order to be emotionally available. I also have so much fun spending time with her. Conversation comes easily. We’re able to laugh at one another and joke about different things. We have similar senses of humor. She’s so passionate about helping those around her and being a good person that I think sometimes she forgets to give that attention to herself. And she deserves it SO SO much.

I wish that I could just jump inside of her brain and allow her to see herself the ways that I see her. She is both externally and internally one of the most beautiful people I have ever met. We regularly go out and do things and have such an amazing time together. We have also explored our sexual relationship some, and there is definite chemistry. I don’t know. Again, I don’t want to be selfish and I don’t want to put her in a place she’s not ready to be.

I’ve just never been so conflicted about a relationship before. Generally, I am very quick to cut people off when they show signs that they might do something to jeopardize the relationship or hurt me. With her, it’s different. I want to have patience, I want to help her through all of the pain and everything that she’s internalizing. But I can only do so much if she won’t allow me to be there and she won’t accept my care. Because I do care about her, but it’s difficult to describe the kind of care that I feel for her. It’s so far removed from anything I’ve ever experienced in the past. Sometimes, I think care is too generic of a term. There are so many different kinds of care and ways that you feel about different people. The word “care” just isn’t enough.

She’s just been through so much in her life and I want to contribute to the good rather than the bad. I don’t know that I will find clarity on this anytime soon. When things are good, they’re so fucking good. I think I definitely need to have a conversation with her in person to get a better idea of how I’m going to proceed.

All of that aside, though, I feel like I’m in a really good place with myself. My mom told me the other day that she thinks I am the most confident and independent she has ever seen me. That means a lot, and I genuinely feel that way, too. I have been through so much, but I haven’t allowed it to break me. I also haven’t allowed it to jade me and I am still being open to connections. I am really proud of myself for that.

I look at this whole scenario with Goddess and think about how I have handled relationships previously. Her not being 100% sure about what she wanted and pushing me away would have absolutely destroyed me if I was in a different period of my life. Relationships used to be EVERYTHING to me. And while I realize they should be a really integral part of your life, I’ve also come to the conclusion that they don’t have to be all-consuming. I think that’s a really healthy perspective and one that I am thankful for.

~CC

Undeserving

I’m currently sitting in my living room sobbing because this beautiful girl has met me with so so so much love. And I didn’t even do anything to deserve it. I just existed. I’m so used to love being contentious or requiring something of me.

This isn’t that, and it legitimately scares the shit out of me to the point where I want to cry, scream, and throw up.

I had a bad day. One of my friends who I had been friends with for almost 11 years royally fucked me over.

I invited the girl I recently began dating (like went on my first date with last night) to come over and hang with my best friend and I. Upon arriving, she showed up with carnations that are identical to the carnation tattoo that I have on my calf. She also brought hot Cheetos, and limes which I had mentioned was my favorite snack.

I guess I need to back up. I met Goddess on Bumble and we had been talking for a couple of weeks. (I mentioned her in a previous post.) Yesterday, she invited me to come hang out and eat takeout at her house. I went over there and was extremely, extremely nervous. I drove around the block like 3 times just being concerned about meeting her.

Then I finally went inside her house and all of my nerves melted away. She was so personable and immediately gave me a hug upon arrival. We talked about so many different things that we had both been through. We played a game called “We’re Not Strangers Anymore” and got to know each other a lot better via that. At the end of the game, it instructs you to write a note to the other person. You aren’t allowed to read the note until you’re no longer in the other person’s presence. I wrote my note about how I thought she was really wonderful, beautiful, and genuine. And that I was excited to get to know her better over time.

After I left our date, I immediately went out to my car and read her note. Earlier in the evening, we had talked about how my nickname was “Ladybug.” She wrote in her note that ladybugs are good luck and she was so lucky that she had met me. She also commented that she wanted to kiss every part of my face throughout the evening. I could not leave without giving her a kiss. So I got out of my car, went up to her front door, and I knocked on it. She came to the door very quickly. Upon seeing me, she asked, “Is everything okay??”

I said, “Yes, I just read your note. Is it okay if I kiss you?” She said, “Yes.” So I immediately kissed her three times very gently. Then I said goodnight and drove home.

Tonight, she did all of these really kind things for me when she had absolutely no reason to. She sat and talked with my best friend and I. She laughed and she listened. It meant the world to me. I kissed her very passionately before she made her journey (an hour) home. She makes my heart skip a beat and she makes me feel so giddy and free. She makes me feel like I’m on fire, but in a good way? I hope that I know her for a long, long time.

~CC.

Late Night Conversations

Late night conversations with people new to my life and old are really healing my broken spirit. I am surrounded by so many truly beautiful people.

I went to a wedding today. It was difficult for me. I was beyond happy for the bride and groom, as the bride is a close friend… But it did really make me evaluate things. I watched them partake in their first dance and I saw how they looked at each other. The love in their eyes. It was so beautiful and that feeling is something I long for so wholeheartedly. Most people would have given up at this point, but I don’t think I will ever stop searching for that. I deserve it.

I have a few people that I’m speaking to regularly, but I don’t anticipate those relationships becoming more than friendships. I speak to Louisiana on a pretty regular basis for hours at a time. We talk about all kinds of things, and sometimes we just sit on the phone together. It’s nice to always have someone who’s there for me. He picks up the phone almost every single time that I call. I’ve told him things that I’ve never shared with anyone. He makes me feel safe and he makes me feel heard. I’m so appreciative of him, and I hope that we continue to have conversations regularly for a long time.

Another person I’m talking to pretty often is this girl. I’ll call her Goddess (because she is one). She and I met on Bumble. Apparently we attended high school together and she graduated just a few years before me. We never knew each other personally, but we have mutual friends. She just broke off an engagement and we are very much in similar places in our grief. We message all day every day and talk about little things, things that might seem insignificant to others. It means a lot to me that she takes the time to talk with me so frequently. She’s a really lovely and genuine person. She is also getting her PhD in counseling, which I think is really admirable.

Lastly, I have been talking to this guy who used to work with my ex. He reached out to me on Facebook after I ended my marriage. He gave me a lot of insight on the person my ex was before I met him. The guy told me that apparently he’s always been very manipulative and a drug addict. It was kind of relieving to hear that I’m not the only person who has experienced him in such a way. He was good at trying to convince me that I was crazy, or the problem in our relationship. It was also frustrating that I didn’t see who he truly was until it was too late. Hindsight is 20/20, I suppose.

I feel like I have come a long way in just a few months. I feel more confident in myself. I’m definitely happier and more fulfilled in my life than I was previously. I’m in control again, which is a really empowering thing.

I’m now just stuck in this weird in between place. I don’t know what’s coming next and I don’t have a lot of plans. That kind of freaks me out, because I’m a huge planner.

Thankfully, I have some really wonderful people behind me and I believe that I have made some lifelong friendships in these last months. I’m interested to continue growing them. I’m hopeful they will help me to fulfill myself enough to not feel that pang of desire to be needed by another person. I feel that’s what’s truly held me back in life and allowed me to settle for less than I deserve.

Here’s to healing.

~CC

Dating

I went on a date with this younger dude. He was only 21 and I’m 25. Generally, I go for men who are older just because they’re often more mature. This man and I had talked on the phone a few times, and he had a really great sense of humor. He also seemed very passionate about his job. Due to this, I decided to give him a chance.

We went to meet at the mall that was between our houses. Upon arriving, I wanted to leave. The guy was just so awkward in a way I didn’t anticipate. He tried to walk around in a really funny manner and it didn’t come off that it was the way he normally walked. He also kept trying to direct me about where to go and was blocking people off to try to let me pass by them. He seemed like he wasn’t being super genuine. On top of those things, he reminded me a LOT of my 17 year old little brother. When we had spoken about sex previously, he stated that he was very inexperienced and seemed uncomfortable that I would want to converse on the topic.

I expressed to him prior to meeting him that one of my biggest pet peeves is liars. I have been very severely emotionally damaged by lies in my life. I really try to go out of my way to not lie about things at this point. To the lengths that I regularly over share about myself and am very direct with people very quickly.

When we had talked previously, he brought up one of his childhood friend’s homes. He spoke about it being this extremely large mansion and that he would love to own a home like it one day. During the time that we met in person, he had a different story about the house and stated that he had lived in this huge mansion until he was 6. I caught the fact that he’d lied very quickly.

I pretended like things were cool, because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. I could tell that he really liked me. He kept complimenting me and trying to relate to me. We just walked around and talked. I shopped and bought a few different things. Finally, the date came to an end and I was able to go back home.

Shortly after arriving back at my house, I texted the guy and explained to him that I didn’t see us being anything more than friends. I let him know that I enjoyed speaking with him and getting to know him but didn’t see it going anywhere romantic. He thanked me for being honest. I expected that to be the end of the conversation.

A few minutes later, I received another message from him asking for clarification about why I was rejecting him. I decided to be honest and let him know that I had caught him in a lie. He admitted that he’d lied and was trying to salvage things because he could tell that I wasn’t really into him. He also mentioned that he feels like he self sabotages in certain situations.

I just explained to him that I appreciated him telling the truth when I confronted him. I let him know that I would have respected him a lot more if he had just been honest with me. I’m generally not a flashy person nor do I get consumed about expensive or fancy things. It was very obvious to me that he did. I then let him know that the fact that he lied in order to try to advance our relationship was a really immature thing to do. He acknowledged that he was in the wrong. I felt good about telling him how I felt and hoped it would be a learning moment for him. His age and maturity level just made me realize he’s a brand new adult who’s just trying to figure everything out. I was there once and tried to be respectful and not ridicule him.

He respected it and I felt overall positive about the interaction. I had neglected to tell him previously that the date of the day we hung out was actually what would have been my 1st wedding anniversary with my ex. I had been very upfront with him about the fact that I was going through a divorce. I wasn’t really trying to hide anything, but I was more trying to not acknowledge the day myself. I didn’t want to feel about it. But after that conversation, I knew that I needed to address it. Mostly for me.

I let the guy know that it was my wedding anniversary. I told him that it would have been a really difficult day if I had had to spend it alone. I thanked him for keeping me company. He responded very kindly and genuinely. We definitely won’t be in a relationship, but I do think we were put in each other’s lives for a reason. Even if it was just those few interactions and moments.

After our conversation ended, I sat and I cried. I cried over the fact that I wanted to be in a relationship and be loved so badly. I had what everyone assumed was this perfect, beautiful life. But it was riddled with pain and substance abuse (my ex’s)… I just really took that moment to come to terms with everything. I tend to internalize my feelings when I’m not ready to face them. I’ve been doing that a lot recently. But then, I just allowed myself to feel. It was really therapeutic.

It was a good day, and it reminded me so much of how I’m worth more than being lied to. I’m a good person. I can be gracious and kind and helpful. I’m a fantastic friend and a beautiful, wonderful woman. This is the beginning of my next chapter. I want it to be full of love, positivity, and healing. I want to share positive interactions with people that are productive. And I have the power to do that.

~CC

Alone

My ex came to get the last of his things today.

Now, I’m sitting here reflecting on the whole situation.

Less than a year ago, I moved into this house that we rented together. When I moved in here, I thought so much about how it was perfect and everything I had ever wanted. It was the kind of house I dreamed about living in one day.

It’s a 4 bedroom, 2 bath HOME. It’s in a nice neighborhood and close to a lot of my family.

Most of his things were put in the guest room and the room that was his office. Now they’re all gone. I have these 4 rooms, a huge kitchen and living room, and more… All to myself. I made the guest room into a cat room and his old office into a makeup room for me. The front room is a sitting room. Then I have the master bedroom.

All by myself.

The lease is up in October and I am sure that rent will increase at that point. I doubt it would make a lot of sense to stay here. It’s just so crazy that I’m going to be spending 3 months in this place all alone.

This was never what I envisioned for my future. I had hoped to stay here for years… I’d hoped to live out the first few years of my marriage in this house. Then everything fell apart. I’m not really sad about him leaving, as it was something that needed to happen. It’s just difficult to reflect on the expectations versus the reality.

So here I am. Laying in bed in this house that is way too large for just me. Alone.

~CC

Mistakes were Made

Ohhh, man. Maybe the universe is telling me to just be truly fucking single or to not get into sexual relationships. I went over to Golden Retriever’s house (read my previous post) last night after drinking by the pool for a lot of the day. For some context, we had talked about becoming exclusive fuck buddies. I bumped up my dick appointment a couple days, and went there for the first time last night to feel it out.

Things were pretty good upon arrival, but ended up being very frustrating by the end of the night. I rolled up to his house, which was a small garage apartment that was very run down. I’d heard that men who lived in crusty places had the best sex, so this (stupidly) didn’t deter me. We had discussed watching Jurassic Park previously, as I had never seen it before. He had it ready upon me walking in the door. I sat down on the couch next to him, and the movie began playing.

Shortly after the movie began, GR grabbed one of my tits. I responded with, “I didn’t know if you should make the first move or if I should.” He said, “What would you do? Just grab my dick?” Instead of doing that, I just immediately straddled him and started grinding my pussy on him. He kissed me deeply and it was kind of sexy. I decided to keep kissing him, biting his lip occasionally and throwing some tongue in. I could feel him getting hard against me.

I decided that I wanted to suck his dick, so I made my way down that direction. I kissed along his chest, leaving hickies here and there. Then I went down and put his cock in my mouth. He had a decently sized dick, but it was a size to where I could easily deep throat it, which was kind of fun. While I was sucking his dick, he pulled me off of him and pushed me back onto the couch. He climbed on top of me and started to finger me. He was good at it and I squirted almost immediately. At one point, I grabbed his hand in order to try to get him to choke me. Rather than doing so, he lightly hit me in the face and said, “Don’t ever tell me what to do.”

That was super sexy. Shortly after that, he did choke me while he fingered me. This made me cum pretty aggressively. Then he stuck his dick inside of me. It felt pretty good and I orgasmed again. This resulted in him cumming so fast. I was kind of disappointed, but he let me know that we should be able to go for round 2 pretty quickly.

We continued to watch the movie with him noting different things about it. When I realized that he would be ready for round 2, I went and sucked his dick again. He fingered me while I was sucking his cock. I’m pretty sure he inserted 3 fingers inside of me, and it felt great. Right after that, he told me that he wanted me to ride him. While I was riding him he said, “You need to cum for me,” so I did. I orgasmed all over his dick. Then he pushed me over again and grabbed me by the throat while he fucked me. Again, the fun was short lived and he came almost immediately.

We sat on the couch for a little while longer. I asked him if he thought he could do a round 3. He told me no, which totally sucked. I had cum a few times but I’m the kind of girl who wants to orgasm like 10-20 times in one session. And honestly, if he had continued fingering me or even seemed interested in getting me off again then I would have cum more. He did not seem interested unless it got him off. Red flag number 1.

Red flag number 2. He was talking about hot girls on Instagram. Just being fuck buddies, this didn’t bother me and I enjoyed looking at these attractive women with him. At first. Then we came across a very skinny girl. He immediately said, “I’m super shallow. I like plus size girls for sex, but if I’m going to have a long term relationship then I have to be with a fit or skinny girl.” This pissed me off, because I am, in fact, a plus size woman.

Red flag number 3. He confessed that one night when we were talking on the phone, he’d lied about the reason that he said he needed to get off the phone. At the time, he told me that he had to go because he had friends coming over. He confessed shortly after we’d fucked that he actually left to go hook up with another girl. And decided to just LIE to me about it.

So, after all of that, I came to the executive decision that the sex was too subpar for all of that BULLSHIT. I have never been so disrespected in my goddamn life. It was insane. I’m generally not the kind of person who is easily offended, but this just made my blood boil. I sat there with him for another 30 minutes or so just reflecting on the whole situation and how to handle it.

I decided it would be better to just work through my feelings and then drive home. We sat and watched another show and then I made the excuse that I needed to leave. I got in my car and immediately called one of my best friends in Louisiana. During the time I was sitting on Gross Boy’s couch, I just kept thinking about how much I wanted to talk to Louisiana about everything that had just happened. I feel that way regularly and he has been the most amazing friend to me. I’d always thought about trying to take things a step further, but didn’t know how to confess to him that I wanted to.

While I was on the phone, I just began spilling my guts. I told Louisiana how much our frequent conversations meant to me and how I had a ton of respect for him. I love his life philosophies and appreciate how much he’s there for me.

He seemed shocked and has never really gone out of his way to be in relationships because he fears failure and rejection. I don’t think that we’ll really talk about what I said anymore, and that’s okay. He’s not really emotionally available but he’s still become one of my very best friends. It was a sweet conversation.

Now, it’s been a few days since that stupid hook up. I just received a text from Gross Boy saying that he has the symptoms of an STD. I plan to go get STD tested hopefully tomorrow. I’ll be hanging up my casually fucking hat for a while after that.

So mistakes were made, but that’s life, I guess.

~CC

Golden Retriever Energy

While having sex with the 43 year old was fun, things fell off pretty quickly. I found myself wanting to have conversations with someone semi-regularly but not getting them from him. I crave attention and he just wasn’t giving me enough, even when I was sending saucy photos and messages.

I got onto Bumble and pretty quickly matched up with this guy. Based on his profile, I noticed that he was blonde, tall, and pretty sexy. He also had a great sense of humor. I decided to message him. We exchanged snapchats within a few messages.

The only thing that was kind of weird for me is the fact that he’s also 25. I don’t tend to even give people that young any attention. But I decided to make an exception and I’m glad that I did.

Within our first few hours of talking, we had divulged our kinks, had conversations about deep life shit, and more. We messaged each other and responded to each other almost instantaneously. He was intelligent, there was witty banter, and he was very easy to talk to.

The first day that we started talking, I went out and got drunk with a few friends. He and I had discussed having sex in the near future and I wasn’t super sold on the idea. But drunk me definitely wanted sober me to fuck him. So drunk me sent him a great tit photo. He was impressed, to say the least.

Yesterday, we continued to talk throughout the day. We talked about previous relationships, sex, movies, interests, and more. I ended up calling him while I went on my evening walk and we talked on the phone for 3 1/2 hours. One of the things I thought was really sweet was that we had talked about different beers. He told me there was a prickly pear beer that he’d bought. I explained that I loved all things prickly pear. Later in our conversation, he let me know that he’d set aside a beer and saved it for me. It was a small thing but it was definitely giving golden retriever energy. When we had conversations about movies, he was surprised at some that I hadn’t seen. (I’m not a big movie girly.) He told me that we could lay in bed and watch movies in between orgasms.

Another thing that happened while we were on the phone for 3 1/2 hours was that we had phone sex. If I didn’t know that I wanted to fuck him before, I definitely knew after that. We delved into all of our different kinks. He’s very dominant while I’m super submissive. I’m a masochist and he’s a sadist. I had never had anyone call me a good girl before, but when he did it made me orgasm almost immediately. He has a super deep, incredibly sexy voice. He told me to fuck myself for him and demanded that I cum for him. He reminded me of what it would be like to actually feel him inside of me with his hands around my throat. When I orgasmed the first time, he told me that I wasn’t allowed to stop and that I needed to keep fucking myself harder. This reduced me into a fucking puddle. I was so wet and orgasmed HARD 3 times in a row.

I made an executive decision that I wanted him to be my summer fuck buddy after that phone call. It was so much fun and I have this feeling that we’re going to have really hot and kinky sex. There’s been a void for someone to handle me really aggressively in my life, and I think he might fill it… Along with my pussy, at the least. I have a dick appointment with him on Wednesday, so I’ll keep you updated!

~CC

First Fuck

Things with Cali are out. He is developing a more serious relationship with the girl closer to where he lives. I can’t blame him for that. I set hard boundaries, though. I told him that I didn’t want to be some other woman or a 2nd choice, so we’re strictly friends. I expressed that that was all I ever wanted us to be.

Then I went onto the dating apps. I matched with this sexy guy on Facebook Dating. He’s 43, dresses suavely, talks smoothly, and has a huge beard. We started messaging while I was out clubbing on Saturday night. I was wearing some super sexy lingerie as my top and sent him some hot photos within a very short period of time speaking to him. (They weren’t full nude, just tasteful cleavage pics.) We spoke on the phone a few times and FaceTimed. While talking to him, I brought up that I was going through a divorce. He was very understanding as he had gone through a divorce just a couple years prior.

He let me know that he thought I was sexy, but I wanted to build up some tension. I held off on sending him nudes immediately even though I thought he was HOT. I’ve been having this thing for older guys recently and he’s just filling the void from my daddy issues very successfully. I asked him about his different kinks. He said he enjoys having his face ridden and that he likes to be dominant.

Anyway, so last night I was sending him some thirst trap/sexy photos. I finally built up to sending him some pics of me without a top. Then completely nude. He went crazy and started telling me all of this super sexy stuff that he wanted to do to me. He talked about how he would love for me to cum all over his face and in his beard. And how he wanted to play with my nipples. He also went into the fact that he wanted to suck my toes while he fucked me, which I thought was interesting. I sent him more nudes and dirty texted him for a very extended period of time. He made me WET. Like soak through my underwear wet. I just knew based off of the conversation that we were going to have a good time.

We’ve been texting pretty regularly throughout the day every day since Saturday. Tonight, I messaged him on Snapchat and told him that I couldn’t sleep. He made the offer to come over. I decided to say fuck it and let him. When he came inside my house, we sat and talked for a little bit. Conversation came easily and we found many different things to talk about. It was very cool and laid back. I didn’t want to be the first person to make a move. It took a little bit, but he finally did. He kissed me pretty deeply and I knew from that point that it was going down.

He grabbed the back of my head and pulled me into him and put his tongue in my mouth while he was kissing me. I started to get dripping wet almost instantly. After a short make out session, he asked me if I wanted to go to the bedroom. I jumped at the offer. When we got in my bed, he immediately lifted my shirt and started sucking on my nipples. He brushed his tongue against one of them while pinching the other. He was really, really good at building up foreplay in a way that was super sexy. He made sure to start off with less pressure and speed. Then he worked his way up to more intensity.

He fingered me really deeply while applying a lot of pressure but didn’t move too quickly. It made me clench up around his fingers so hard. Eventually, he asked me if he could give me head. I said he could do whatever he wanted. He made his way down to my pussy and started off licking it very lightly, then built up the speed and pressure. He did a lot of things that were really simple but really effective. He caressed my hip while he ate me out at one point and it was super sexy. He has big hands but is kind of soft? I don’t know how to describe it. His touches are firm but not aggressive. They’re kind of reassuring? I just felt very comfortable and like I was melting the entire time he was touching me. He licked my pussy better than anyone ever has.

I was very impressed with his skills, but I was more impressed with his longevity. He licked my pussy for at least a solid hour straight. Eventually. I asked if he would like me to give him head. He said yes and so I sucked his dick for a few minutes. He has a dick that’s not super long but it’s a pretty good width. It was easier to deep throat than others I have played with previously, so I enjoyed that. After only a few minutes of me deep throating his cock, he requested that we 69. While we were doing that, he started to lick my asshole. The whole thing was super hot.

After that, he asked if we could fuck. I, of course, said yes. He climbed on top of me and shoved all of himself inside of me. His cock felt great and he thrusted it very deeply. After a few thrusts, he told me that my pussy felt too good and that he was going to cum. I told him that he could cum in my mouth. He did and it was a lot of fun.

When we were done, we laid in bed for a while and talked again. He asked if I enjoy video games because he noticed all of my systems. I explained to him that I do and that I game quite a bit. He said he was surprised because I never talked about it. I told him that that hobby of mine had kind of been pushed to the wayside since I’d started trying to work out more. He suggested that we should go to an arcade by his house together. I was kind of surprised because I thought maybe this would just be fucking. But it sounds like we’re going to be doing more things than just that.

I’m looking forward to it. I’m excited to see where this goes and what fun we have in the future. If it’s just sex then I’m cool with that. I’m also good with having sex, hanging out, and being friends. When we first talked, we both spoke about wanting things to be organic. So if things develop then we won’t stop them but we aren’t looking for anything. I also discovered that he only lives like 5 minutes from my job. So if this continues past the summer then I might be able to go to work and then go hang out with him right after.

He gave me a sweet, short kiss before he left went home. I dunno, we’ll see what happens. I’m having a good time, though.

~CC