The House in the Cerulean Sea by T.J. Klune

Reading books wasn’t something I had taken pleasure in, or found solace in for a long time prior to the past week. My final years in college, reading constantly kind of took all of the joy out of it for me. In the last few weeks, I realized I was spending far too much time on social media. I decided to redirect my attention, and so I picked up the book “The House in the Cerulean Sea.” I am so thankful that I did.

The book was a huge reminder of how much my soul truly loves a great story. It was a simple story; one of love, acceptance, and finding the true meaning of home. I don’t know that it is a story I would have been able to relate to if I had read it a year and a half ago. Rather, I think it would have appeared as more of a fairytale, and something worth longing for. I’m thankful that I read it today, because it greatly resonated and even brought me to tears. It’s a must read if you feel like a misfit, if you’re gay, if you have ever struggled with a sense of identity, or if you just love a feel-good story. I won’t go into the rest of details of the book, as I don’t want to spoil it for you.

What I am going to detail is the portion of it that rang true for myself, and what it meant to me:

I spent many years (8, to be exact) of my adult life attempting to find a place where I felt safe. As a kid, I was never accepted for who I was, nor was I unconditionally loved. Due to being neglected throughout my childhood, I settled for situations I should not have accepted in my adulthood. Many of those situations resulted in emotional, and sometimes physical abuse. At the age of 26, I had lived in 9 different places. I been in 2 long-term relationships that had failed. (Failed is probably an under-exaggeration. Crashed and burned seems more appropriate.) After a lifetime of negative experiences, and although I was very young, I made assumptions that I would never find true love. I would never find peace. I would have to live the way I was living. Forever. I kept my items very sparse, expecting to have to pack up and move at any moment. I kept a distance from other people emotionally, as to not be hurt again. I internalized my pain, and buried myself in my work.

The saddest part was, I didn’t even realize how truly horrible and miserable my existence was. It was all I had ever known.

I found my own apartment, and swore that I was just going to be single. I was willing to give up, and attempting to create joy and love in a home of my own. I thought that that would be fulfilling enough. At least if I was on my own, I would be the only one who could create havoc in my life. It never even occurred to me that I could choose someone who wouldn’t invite chaos to join us.

Thankfully, I kept the Bumble app on my phone. When I was bored, I scrolled through. My eyes were tired, my soul was weary. Nobody was ever interesting enough. There was never an inkling of emotional intelligence, or an air of stability in the “curated” profiles that I’d come across. At any given second, I was moments away from deleting the app.

Then I came across her. My heart fluttered. I scrolled through her profile. It was immediately obvious that she had a good sense of humor, she had a cat, her photos were adorable. There was a glimmer, and a knowing in her bright blue eyes. She was a teacher… I knew instantly that we had to be cut from the same cloth, despite never meeting her. In that moment, I chose her, and hoped deeply that she would choose me back. I swiped right, and I prayed. (I never pray.) My prayers were (remarkably) answered. The rest is history.

I found my home. The final line of the book, “Don’t you wish you were here?” broke me. Because, guess what? For one of the first times in my life, I no longer have to wish for such things. I get to come home to a person that I feel safe with in my darkest moments. My trips to thrift stores don’t end in the regret of leaving behind a treasure out of the fear of having to move it in the next 6 months. The nail holes that I put in the walls don’t fill me with dread, as I no longer have to worry about the inflated number signs that a landlord will place upon them. The closet no longer feels like the safest place to cry, even when another person is home.

The front threshold doesn’t feel like a barrier between me, and yet another place that will leave me with emotional baggage. I can open the door, and finally put my overburdened luggage down. Sometimes, I get the privilege of leaving the bags in a closet to unpack another day. Other times, when I go to retrieve them, I realize that they’ve already been emptied.

And for that I have the utmost gratitude. I feel deep, internal aching gratitude for her, for the universe, and for this home that we’ve built.

“Sometimes, he thought to himself in a house in a cerulean sea, you were able to choose the life you wanted.

And if you were of the lucky sort, sometimes that life chose you back.”

“It’s unnatural.”

I went two months

without even touching another cigarette

because she said that

she wanted to spend the

rest

of

her

life

with me.

Now,

when I’m stressed,

nothing tastes sweeter than her lips.

I’m finally healing,

but you’ll never understand.

Moving (On)

Yesterday, I moved out of the house that my ex and I picked shortly after we got married. I had been living there by myself since the beginning of April. I took his name off of the lease in order to get him to move out 6 months before our lease ended. It was something that I could afford on my own, but it was a bit of a stretch and was financially a burden. I think in my time living there and trying to survive, I didn’t allow myself to truly go through all the pain and grief that accompanied living there.

Last night, before I left, I sat in the middle of the living room of the completely empty house and sobbed. I don’t feel grief over the fact that my ex and I didn’t work out. That relationship wasn’t for me and it wasn’t serving me. I feel grief over the time and the money wasted. I feel grief for the 2 years of my life and the ability to have the experience of my first marriage with my forever partner being robbed from me. I grieved because for my entire adulthood, I have moved around incredibly frequently. I thought that house would be my resting place for a more extended period, but it turned out to only be temporary.

I grieved the most because childhood me loved the life that I could have had. The potential of that stupid house. My childhood was always full of fear, uncertainty, and a lack of emotional capacity from the adults surrounding me. In my adulthood, I wanted the opposite of that so badly. Last year, I saw a 4 bedroom house with a picket fence in suburbia as a sign of safety and security. How wrong I was, because within those walls there was no safety or security in sight. It was complete misery for close to a year of my life. I constantly wondered what fresh horror tomorrow would bring. I lived in fear and chaos, yet again, just like when I was a kid.

Now, I’m moving into a small 1 bedroom apartment with my cat. In some ways, it feels like failure. Divorce is seen as publicly shameful. Moving from a 4 bedroom house into an apartment probably looks really negative to outsiders. But with the small apartment comes the safety and security I have always dreamed of. It’s a home that’s mine and no one else’s. I don’t have to worry about anyone ruining my space, and I don’t have to accept anyone there that I don’t want to be there. It is something that I did by myself and for myself. There is so much love and strength involved. There’s so much more self care and confidence that I never imagined myself being capable of.

Looking back is hard, but I feel like I am leaving some of the most difficult parts of my life behind me. For the first time ever, I feel at peace. I feel the inner parts of me that are childlike and broken slowly healing. The weight of all of my trauma felt like someone was standing on my throat. I didn’t know how to breathe. I fought the trauma off and didn’t allow it to stand on me anymore. Slowly, I’m learning how to breathe again. I’m learning how to live without this terrible, crushing ailment. I’m learning how to live, period.

And it’s beautiful. Even in a 1 bedroom apartment. Divorce is not defeat. Not being able to control a negative situation without removing yourself from it is not failure. Success is measured by your ability to adapt, survive, and stand in your truth. Remain strong, and don’t compromise your happiness or beliefs. It will all turn out alright in the end if you stay true to yourself and love yourself first. I’m living proof.

~CC.

Unintentional Outing

Tonight, my little brother had a play at his school. The rest of my family is planning to attend the play tomorrow night, but I will be busy then. My girlfriend and I talked about it and decided that we would go to see it this evening. My dad and step mom are very homophobic. I have not let them know that I am in a lesbian relationship yet. I was a little concerned because I always run into people that I know when I’m out at events. Specifically, people who know my father and step mother. My brother goes to the same school that I went to high school in, and my step mom works in that school district. I anticipated seeing someone and them assuming that I’m dating Bird.

I decided that I was going to do what I wanted to do, regardless, and that I was going to take my girlfriend with me. I spent many years of my childhood pretending that my girlfriends were friends. As a 25 year old grown woman, I decided I was fucking tired of that. I don’t want to hide who I am nor do I want to water down parts of myself to be more palatable to people who should love me regardless. Plus, Bird is a huge part of my life and a profoundly beautiful person. She brings so much light to my life that it could radiate and touch any patch of darkness that I could ever experience. Anything that my father and step mother are unwilling to give me in regards to emotional support or acceptance, she makes up for tenfold.

So, we went to the damn play. Little did I know that the play was actually going to be about a girl who was lesbian. My brother also had a main role. He had told me nothing about it, and the situation ended up being incredibly ironic. I had voiced to Bird previously that I was concerned about coming to the play together, because she is very obviously a lesbian. My girlfriend and I marveled over the message of the performance. We giggled when we realized that the story was centered on a gay character and questioned the odds. During intermission, I saw that my step mom was actually in attendance. I waved her over and immediately introduced Bird. I didn’t say, “This is my friend, Bird.” I also didn’t say, “This is my girlfriend, Bird.” I just said, “This is Bird.” My step mom had a look of shock, and surprise. She scrunched her eyebrows all the way toward the top of her forehead.

This told me everything that I needed to know, and confirmed to me immediately that she had suspicions about the nature of my relationship with Bird. I was thankful that my father was not present, because I know that he would have pushed about who Bird was. He has no boundaries and would have made things tense and uncomfortable, despite the fact that we were in public. My step mom asked if we had seen my sister and then walked away from us very quickly. After experiencing that encounter, and witnessing the play, I was taken back to when I was in high school.

In high school, I was openly lesbian to everyone except my dad and step mom. I dated a girl for 2 years and had a very serious relationship with her. I dated another girl during my senior year of high school and was with her for nearly a year. My father found out about the first girl that I was dating from one of my friend’s parents. I hadn’t been transparent with him about my sexuality because he had spoken openly about how much he disapproved of gay people. He is also very conservative and Southern Baptist. Upon finding out I was dating a girl, he called my long term girlfriend’s mom and outed her. Her mom was Catholic and violently homophobic, so she did not handle the news well at all. My father made sure that I was aware that I would be going to hell, and any kind of emotional relationship we had immediately evaporated. High school was hard. Girlfriends became friends out of fear of ridicule, and Christian shame. Conversations with my father turned into formalities about whether or not I had a ride to school or if I could pass the salt.

I believe that I dated many men, and even married one in some ways to appease my father. I sought out validation and sexual experiences with men to try to make up for the acceptance and love my father never gave me. I tried to use dicks to fill the hole my dad left, but it was a little further up than any of those men could ever reach. I thought being sexual with men made me useful, I thought it made me worth something, finally. Shortly after my wedding where I married a man was one of the only times my dad had ever really voiced that he was proud of me. I had repressed so much of my attraction toward women due to this pain.

Being in that theatre with my girlfriend took me back to all of those feelings. It didn’t help that I was in the high school that I had all of those experiences in. For a moment, I felt like a teenager again. I felt the shame of sitting next to my girlfriend. I felt the fear of my dad finding out that I loved her. I felt the guilt of wanting so badly to just hold her fucking hand. Why would it be so bad to just hold her fucking hand?

And you know what I said? I said fuck that. Throughout almost the entire play, I sat stiffly in my seat, not daring to even brush against Bird, worried about being perceived as a lesbian by those around me. I was nervous to touch her, I barely looked at her. Finally, toward the end of the play, I put my hand on her thigh. She laid her hand on top of my arm and brushed against it slightly. I immediately intertwined my fingers in hers. All of my worries fluttered away. Minutes later, the play concluded and the crowd erupted into cheers. I choked back tears. They were yelling for a lesbian main character who conquered her demons. They were loving and supportive. I was safe here. Even if there were a few disapproving people like my dad and step mom. This was a message my teenage self needed to hear. Despite not having heard it when I was a kid, I heard it loudly and clearly this evening.

I could not be prouder of my brother for being a part of something so wonderful. Little does he know that he created a moment so beautiful and so special for me, my relationship, and my identity. He made me feel seen, heard, and loved. We left the theatre, and as I walked out I immediately saw my little brother. I gripped him in the largest hug that I have ever given him, and told him that he did an amazing job. I also saw my sister and gave her a hug, too.

I let Bird know that I was feeling overwhelmed, and I was still struggling to come to terms with all of the emotions that I was feeling. We walked outside and out to my car. Upon getting in, all of the emotions hit me. I began to cry. I explained to Bird how all of the feelings had brought me back to high school. I told her about the way that I had been treated. She reminded me that that wasn’t what I deserved at all. I let her know that I was ready to be openly gay with her by my side because she’s absolutely worth it. We cried together and then we kissed passionately in the front seat of my car. In front of my high school. Where my step mother could have walked out and seen us at any moment. Or anyone else I knew, for that matter.

And I didn’t give a single fuck. Why? Because the people who matter love me and support me. The people who are healthy and constructive in my life will not treat me as though I am less for simply loving another person. The people who are important will see my happiness, and see the way that Bird treats me and all of that will be more than enough to satisfy them. Would I like my father’s support? Sure. Do I need it or do I need a relationship with him? Absolutely not. I am so thankful to be in this place, because it is a place that high school me never could have imagined or dreamed of. I finally feel safe and secure for the first time in my life. I finally feel free. I live in a world where I have the ability, courage, strength, and support to be who I truly am. It’s a dream come true and it’s healing so many parts of me that I didn’t realize still had wounds.

~CC.

Lesbian Rom Com

The last few days feel like a whirlwind and like my entire life all at the same time. I cannot believe I have gotten to know someone’s soul so deeply and so profoundly in such a minuscule duration. It absolutely blows my mind and makes me smile so hard that my cheeks fucking hurt.

I have written about this girl my last few posts but never gave her a pseudonym. Let’s call her Bird because she makes my heart sing and she has the cutest swallowtail tattoo. Bird came over on Friday night, then again on Saturday and then we just kind of never left one another’s side. We spent Friday night sitting on my couch and talking about so many different things. We laughed about how I didn’t know how to tie my shoes until I was 14, and how I always wore shoes that were 2 sizes too big without realizing they were too big. (Because I wanted to steal my mom’s shoes.) One thing that really stood out was I had mentioned to her that my back was bothering me. I had intended to go to my mom’s house and get some muscle relaxers but lost motivation. She offered to drive me to my mother’s house 30 minutes away at 11 at night just to make me feel better. I insisted that she shouldn’t but I thought it was so fucking thoughtful of her to offer. After that, she showed me her Animal Crossing island and I showed her mine. Before she left, we stood at the door and talked for a little while.

Previously, she’d let me know that she had been in a relationship with a girl. The relationship was long distance until the very end when the girl came to visit her. While she was in town, they had fucked around but the girl had never kissed her. She explained that if I was to kiss her then I would be the first girl to do so.

I could tell that as she was about to leave, she was nervous. I hugged her, and then when we pulled away, I leaned in to give her a kiss. She said, “Oh, should we kiss??” I kissed her gently and briefly. Then I pulled away. She did kind of a giddy jump and yelped out, “I kissed a girl!!” I smiled and then kissed her again. She pulled away and then wrapped me in the biggest hug. She said, “Oh, my god. I’m being so fucking weird. I’m going to cry.” I reassured her that it wasn’t weird at all and I hugged her back.

After that, we both just stood at the door and talked for like 10 minutes about how much we like each other. I was like, “I WAS NOT EXPECTING THIS AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE.” She straight up was like, “I AM NOT TRYING TO BE A UHAUL LESBIAN WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?” I immediately was like, “I JUST SIGNED A LEASE SO WE HAVE A YEAR TO FIGURE THIS OUT.” We had talked about her coming over again on Saturday before we’d even agreed to hang out on Friday. She asked if I still wanted to see her again on Saturday and I let her know that I absolutely did.

I’m glad that I said that, because Saturday was one of my favorite nights ever. She came over in the early evening and helped me with a few chores. Then we sat on the floor and talked for a hours about so many different things. In the midst of us talking, Bird suggested that we go get some food. I looked up fast food nearby and we picked a place that seemed convenient. The first place that we went was combined with a gas station. We decided we didn’t care to go there. The second place was so crowded that we would have waited forever to get our food. The third place was also crowded, but we finally settled on it because we had been driving around for a long time.

During all the driving around, I got the idea to take Bird to my favorite place in my city. We received our food and then drove to the spot. My favorite place is an unsuspecting hill. It seems like it’s not really anything but a lot with a hill in the middle of a neighborhood. Then, you climb to the top and you can see the entire town. It’s especially beautiful at night because you can see all of the city lights. I took Bird there. We grabbed our food, scaled the hill, and went and sat at the top.

We ate and talked about a lot of different things. One of the funniest things was how we would like to be murdered and have our bodies disposed of in that scenario. She talked about how she wouldn’t want to know her death was coming and would want to be burned. I said I would want something super dramatic with serial killer vibes. Something that would make it into a documentary. Most people would have found that morbid or inappropriate, but she didn’t. I haven’t ever met someone with such a similar sense of humor to mine.

After that conversation concluded, we laid in the grass and stared up at the stars. Everything was effortless. I felt so incredibly at peace and that’s something that I rarely feel. It felt like absolutely nothing else mattered. Until the sprinklers on the hill came on and completely soaked us.

We ran through the sprinklers, giggling the entire time. It was something out of a romantic comedy, and an experience that I will never forget. We ran to my car, completely dripping, and then quickly got inside. She smiled and turned to me and said, “I would have been so annoyed in this scenario in any other context, but right now I feel absolutely giddy.” I felt the same. We just laughed and laughed, then I turned on the car and drove home.

Upon arriving at my house, she told me that she should be heading home. It was already 1 in the morning and so I told her that she should stay. I had never gotten this far in dating and not had sex with someone. That’s usually something that I jump into very quickly. With her, it wasn’t even on my radar. I knew that she wouldn’t be comfortable if I attempted to do anything sexual, and I wanted to be so beyond respectful of that.

We just laid in bed and talked for hours. We laughed so hard so many times yet again. We never ran out of things to talk about. The next day, we decided to go spend time with and eat lunch with her best friend. It was a great time and we ended up buying a bunch of stuff at thrift stores. Her best friend and I got along really well. At this point, I started having feelings that we were doing more than just dating. We had already established that we wanted to date exclusively, but it felt like it should be so much more than that.

We continued to hang out every single day after work. The laughing never stopped, the emotional depth and intentionality of conversations never ceased. It was fucking beautiful and I wanted her to be mine SO bad, but I was worried about asking the question.

Thankfully, I didn’t have to.

We were laying in my bed the night after we’d hung out with her friend. She rolled over to me mid conversation and said, “So are we going to keep tiptoeing around putting a label on this?” I responded, “No, I don’t think so.” She said, “Good, because I want you to be my girlfriend.” I agreed that we should be together and that I absolutely didn’t want anyone else. We both just clung to each other and giggled and kissed. My chest felt so full and I felt the most at peace that I ever have in my life. Things felt… right.

Since then, we have spent every single day together and every day makes me feel closer and closer to her. We laugh constantly, and talk in depth about our emotions. She is consistently doing things and saying things that remind me of how much she cares. I can be 100% myself around her and I feel so free. I cannot express how eternally grateful I am that she has come into my life. I hope she doesn’t leave for a long time.

~CC.

Deep Shit

I hung out with the same girl that my previous post was about again last night. She invited me to come over to her house. On my way there, I hit this giant pothole ON THE HIGHWAY and it completely flattened my tire. Thankfully, I made it to her house before it totally wrecked the tire.

I let her know what had happened as soon as I got there. I know how to change a tire but I wasn’t super confident about doing it because I haven’t changed one by myself before. Upon telling her this, she immediately offered to change the tire for me. I told her we should wait until the sun goes down and it gets a little cooler out.

We went inside and continued our theme of talking for hours with no stop. It was so much fun and we were giggling like teenagers the entire time. Her energy is just so strong and she is incredibly warm and vibrant. She’s an insane story teller and has so much charisma and wit when she speaks. I’m always amazed by the fact that she’s somehow so profound but also so incredibly laid back. She says things that make me think constantly and she asks for more information on topics in ways that I wouldn’t have ever thought of.

After a few hours of conversing, she suggested that we go and change the tire. I agreed and she was so fucking sweet about it. She refused to let me pick up the tire myself because she didn’t want me to get my shirt dirty. She barely let me be involved in the whole process. We sat and talked and laughed while she did absolutely everything. I wanted to kiss her so badly but didn’t because she makes me so nervous. Like comfortable, but also so fucking NERVOUS. After the tire was fixed, we went inside and talked for a few more hours. Her roommate ended up having to come out to ask us to tone it down because we were laughing so hard and keeping her up.

I went to see my therapist a few days prior to hanging out with her for the second time. I brought up the fact that after I sat with myself for a while, I came to the conclusion that I actually identified as lesbian. I hadn’t been super concerned about that and how it would impact my life, except for one way. My father and how he would react.

I expressed to my therapist that I felt like eventually I was going to end up in a long term relationship with a woman. I explained that I didn’t want that to be something that I felt the need to hide from anyone. But my dad is super religious and a homophobe, so I know that I will be met with judgment and criticism if I’m open about it. My therapist and I had a deep conversation about how the inner child in me will always hope for his approval, but that I’m in a place in my life where I don’t have to have it. He said that he doesn’t feel like my father will disown me, but knows I won’t be met with the reception and love that I deserve.

I fear that changing our relationship. I also acknowledge that I don’t have to have him in my life. I worry about not being able to bring my significant other to family events and that they will feel isolated from my parents. My therapist commended me for looking at things with a logical perspective.

A lot of the reason that I had this conversation with the therapist is because I see something really, really meaningful and special developing with this girl. I could see myself being in a long term relationship with her and even falling in love with her. I see her being part of the reason that I want to be open. Because she would be worth all the pain and rejection that my father might give me, and she would support me through it.

There was another girl that I intended to go on a date with and was talking to for about a month. I recently reached out to her and let her know that I didn’t want to go on the date because I felt I wouldn’t be emotionally invested enough or present due to the fact that I had such strong feelings for this girl.

As I was typing this, I decided to tell her how I felt. She let me know that the feeling is mutual and I feel like I won the lottery. She talked to me about how she had deleted her dating apps because she felt we had such a strong connection. I had already deleted one of my dating profiles and was going to delete the other one. But it was the app that she was on and I was concerned that she was going to see. After that conversation, I immediately deleted the other dating profile and my heart raced over the prospects. I could finally see a future filled with love and light. She’s more than I could have ever dreamed of or hoped for.

~CC.

Back on my Bullshit

Here we go again.

I met another girl and I’m already stupidly and recklessly emotionally attached to her. We talk all day every single day. We have so many fucking things in common, it’s kind of creepy.

I’m a teacher, she’s a teacher. I love tacky clothing, so does she. I’m allegedly funny, she’s actually funny. We both love bugs and have tattoos of them. We weren’t allowed to have cats as children, so we have and love cats now. Her mom has thyroid disease, and mine does, too. We both wear our hearts on our sleeves. She’s very blunt and open. So am I.

We met for the first time on Saturday night. She arrived at 6:30 PM and did not leave until 3:30 AM. Nothing sexual occurred, we didn’t even kiss. We just sat and talked for 9 hours straight. I laughed so hard that I cried. I shared things about myself that I’ve never shared with anyone upon first meeting them. She did the same. We spoke in depth about so many different things. When I thought there was no way we could find something else to talk about, we spiderwebbed into a brand new conversation.

When she was getting ready to leave, I didn’t want her to go because my heart felt so fucking full. I am supposed to have a date with another girl this Saturday but don’t even know that I’m interested in going now. She seems like a really nice person, but she’s not this girl. I dunno.

I’m probably making the same mistakes all over again.

~CC.

Therapy

I went to therapy this evening and talked about a lot of things that I had never addressed from my childhood. I didn’t realize how much they were weighing on me. But I talked about them in depth, and just cried and cried. I went through some really fucked up shit as a kid and minimized it to myself for a long time. Growing up, my mom always told me that my childhood wasn’t that bad in comparison to her own. I think I really internalized that and believed it for a long time.

But I needed to be in this space to realize that regardless of what she went through, the things that I went through still had an impact. I acknowledged that tonight. I faced my trauma head on and allowed myself to be truly vulnerable. I think it was kind of a breakthrough and it was definitely cathartic.

I also talked about all of the ways that I feel my childhood impacts how I function in adulthood. I expressed that I felt I was sabotaging my life and putting myself in negative positions. My therapist reminded me that everyone makes mistakes and that I need to give myself grace. That I can take responsibilities for my actions and change them without beating myself up.

I already scheduled an appointment for next week, because I feel that all of this is going to emotionally catch up to me. I think being alone with my thoughts is going to be difficult over the next couple of weeks. I’m ready for that and I want to do what I can in order to heal.

~CC.

Unjaded or Stupid? You decide.

Sometimes the decision that’s the best for yourself is the hardest one to make.

I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to be here right now.

How did everything in my life get so massively fucked up?

I went from marrying a drug addict to getting a divorce to becoming infatuated with a girl so spontaneously and unexpectedly.

I didn’t even realize how much I obsessed over her until she started to pull away. Then I didn’t allow myself to feel it. I refused to acknowledge it. Until fucking TikTok decided to present me with this little gift that absolutely annihilated every part of my heart and spun me into a panic attack: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRUYaeHo/?k=1

But here I am, feeling broken and foolish yet again.

I didn’t even cry like this over my ex husband. I’ve been full on, uncontrollably sobbing. I’m having chest pain and feel like I can’t breathe because I’m crying so fucking hard. I think this feeling is why I steered away from dating women for a few years. There’s such a deep and emotional connection that just doesn’t translate to being with men.

It’s a different kind of pain when it doesn’t work out. It’s a different kind of love when it’s working.

I know that I’m going to look back on this and be thankful for the experiences that I had in this time in my life. It’s definitely the largest learning and growing period I have EVER gone through.

But holy shit, I just want it to stop for a minute. Like give me a fucking break. Haven’t I had enough character development? I’m only 25 and I’ve had a failed long term relationship where I lived with the guy along with a failed marriage. Like,

Life: 12

Me: 0

I get it, I lost. You can stop now.

But I guess it’s not just life that sucks and keeps fucking me. I suck and keep fucking me, too. I self sabotage ALL the time. I put myself in risky situations. I procrastinate. I drink too much and won’t stop smoking and vaping. I walk into relationships and situations that I know are designed to hurt me.

The scariest part for me at this point is wondering, “Am I going to settle again?” I don’t trust myself. Am I going to settle for something that puts me in another position to feel like this all over again? Do I really want genuine love with someone or do I just want to stop feeling so alone?

Did I really care about the girl that I’m currently crying about, or did I just love the thought of her? I romanticized her. There were red flags and concerns throughout our time talking. I pushed forward anyway, I didn’t guard my heart.

Why do I do that? Why don’t I protect myself? Why don’t I value myself? Why don’t I tell myself, “No, you deserve better.” Before I even get into these situations? Some people say that they’re shocked that I’m not jaded at this point in my life, but maybe I’m just fucking naive. Or fucking stupid. You decide.

~CC.

Panic

I am on the verge of an anxiety attack.

Why?

Because I am falling in love again and that’s so fucking scary.

It comes with so many fears and so many questions.

Am I good enough? Am I ready for this? Will I end up hurt again? Will I end up hurting her? Does she feel as deeply as I do? Is it going to fizzle out? Is it real? Is it right? When is she going to realize that I’m not as great as she thinks I am?

I feel like I could throw up.

I don’t know if I can take another heartbreak. It hasn’t even happened yet, and I’m already planning for it.

Why the fuck can’t I just be happy?

~CC