The last few days feel like a whirlwind and like my entire life all at the same time. I cannot believe I have gotten to know someone’s soul so deeply and so profoundly in such a minuscule duration. It absolutely blows my mind and makes me smile so hard that my cheeks fucking hurt.
I have written about this girl my last few posts but never gave her a pseudonym. Let’s call her Bird because she makes my heart sing and she has the cutest swallowtail tattoo. Bird came over on Friday night, then again on Saturday and then we just kind of never left one another’s side. We spent Friday night sitting on my couch and talking about so many different things. We laughed about how I didn’t know how to tie my shoes until I was 14, and how I always wore shoes that were 2 sizes too big without realizing they were too big. (Because I wanted to steal my mom’s shoes.) One thing that really stood out was I had mentioned to her that my back was bothering me. I had intended to go to my mom’s house and get some muscle relaxers but lost motivation. She offered to drive me to my mother’s house 30 minutes away at 11 at night just to make me feel better. I insisted that she shouldn’t but I thought it was so fucking thoughtful of her to offer. After that, she showed me her Animal Crossing island and I showed her mine. Before she left, we stood at the door and talked for a little while.
Previously, she’d let me know that she had been in a relationship with a girl. The relationship was long distance until the very end when the girl came to visit her. While she was in town, they had fucked around but the girl had never kissed her. She explained that if I was to kiss her then I would be the first girl to do so.
I could tell that as she was about to leave, she was nervous. I hugged her, and then when we pulled away, I leaned in to give her a kiss. She said, “Oh, should we kiss??” I kissed her gently and briefly. Then I pulled away. She did kind of a giddy jump and yelped out, “I kissed a girl!!” I smiled and then kissed her again. She pulled away and then wrapped me in the biggest hug. She said, “Oh, my god. I’m being so fucking weird. I’m going to cry.” I reassured her that it wasn’t weird at all and I hugged her back.
After that, we both just stood at the door and talked for like 10 minutes about how much we like each other. I was like, “I WAS NOT EXPECTING THIS AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE.” She straight up was like, “I AM NOT TRYING TO BE A UHAUL LESBIAN WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?” I immediately was like, “I JUST SIGNED A LEASE SO WE HAVE A YEAR TO FIGURE THIS OUT.” We had talked about her coming over again on Saturday before we’d even agreed to hang out on Friday. She asked if I still wanted to see her again on Saturday and I let her know that I absolutely did.
I’m glad that I said that, because Saturday was one of my favorite nights ever. She came over in the early evening and helped me with a few chores. Then we sat on the floor and talked for a hours about so many different things. In the midst of us talking, Bird suggested that we go get some food. I looked up fast food nearby and we picked a place that seemed convenient. The first place that we went was combined with a gas station. We decided we didn’t care to go there. The second place was so crowded that we would have waited forever to get our food. The third place was also crowded, but we finally settled on it because we had been driving around for a long time.
During all the driving around, I got the idea to take Bird to my favorite place in my city. We received our food and then drove to the spot. My favorite place is an unsuspecting hill. It seems like it’s not really anything but a lot with a hill in the middle of a neighborhood. Then, you climb to the top and you can see the entire town. It’s especially beautiful at night because you can see all of the city lights. I took Bird there. We grabbed our food, scaled the hill, and went and sat at the top.
We ate and talked about a lot of different things. One of the funniest things was how we would like to be murdered and have our bodies disposed of in that scenario. She talked about how she wouldn’t want to know her death was coming and would want to be burned. I said I would want something super dramatic with serial killer vibes. Something that would make it into a documentary. Most people would have found that morbid or inappropriate, but she didn’t. I haven’t ever met someone with such a similar sense of humor to mine.
After that conversation concluded, we laid in the grass and stared up at the stars. Everything was effortless. I felt so incredibly at peace and that’s something that I rarely feel. It felt like absolutely nothing else mattered. Until the sprinklers on the hill came on and completely soaked us.
We ran through the sprinklers, giggling the entire time. It was something out of a romantic comedy, and an experience that I will never forget. We ran to my car, completely dripping, and then quickly got inside. She smiled and turned to me and said, “I would have been so annoyed in this scenario in any other context, but right now I feel absolutely giddy.” I felt the same. We just laughed and laughed, then I turned on the car and drove home.
Upon arriving at my house, she told me that she should be heading home. It was already 1 in the morning and so I told her that she should stay. I had never gotten this far in dating and not had sex with someone. That’s usually something that I jump into very quickly. With her, it wasn’t even on my radar. I knew that she wouldn’t be comfortable if I attempted to do anything sexual, and I wanted to be so beyond respectful of that.
We just laid in bed and talked for hours. We laughed so hard so many times yet again. We never ran out of things to talk about. The next day, we decided to go spend time with and eat lunch with her best friend. It was a great time and we ended up buying a bunch of stuff at thrift stores. Her best friend and I got along really well. At this point, I started having feelings that we were doing more than just dating. We had already established that we wanted to date exclusively, but it felt like it should be so much more than that.
We continued to hang out every single day after work. The laughing never stopped, the emotional depth and intentionality of conversations never ceased. It was fucking beautiful and I wanted her to be mine SO bad, but I was worried about asking the question.
Thankfully, I didn’t have to.
We were laying in my bed the night after we’d hung out with her friend. She rolled over to me mid conversation and said, “So are we going to keep tiptoeing around putting a label on this?” I responded, “No, I don’t think so.” She said, “Good, because I want you to be my girlfriend.” I agreed that we should be together and that I absolutely didn’t want anyone else. We both just clung to each other and giggled and kissed. My chest felt so full and I felt the most at peace that I ever have in my life. Things felt… right.
Since then, we have spent every single day together and every day makes me feel closer and closer to her. We laugh constantly, and talk in depth about our emotions. She is consistently doing things and saying things that remind me of how much she cares. I can be 100% myself around her and I feel so free. I cannot express how eternally grateful I am that she has come into my life. I hope she doesn’t leave for a long time.
~CC.
casuallyconfused 